


America's Son

by truelyesoteric



Series: America's Son [1]
Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: American Politics, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-27
Updated: 2012-12-27
Packaged: 2017-11-22 15:46:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 36,194
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/611489
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/truelyesoteric/pseuds/truelyesoteric
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It is said that you don’t get with both hands. Jensen Ackles is the exception to that rule. He was born into a family of power and privilege, he was positioned to be the best of them all. He embraced and liked his life as he got ready to fulfill the promise to be the next great leader.</p>
<p>At first sight Jared doesn’t know any of that, he just knows that the guy in the library is hot.</p>
<p>Bit by bit Jared learns about Jensen Ackles and what that means. And he learns that even perfect doesn’t mean that it is going to be right.</p>
            </blockquote>





	America's Son

**Author's Note:**

> I'm just adding my fic to A03...enjoy this re-tread.

Jensen was four the first time he voted; he voted for his father.

He didn’t actually vote, vote. His mother held him and let him push the buttons and then when they were done he got to pull the lever.

The night before the elections, his grandfather had sat him down and outlined his father’s potential new job as governor of Texas. Jensen had looked up at his grandfather with wide eyes, listening intently, but understanding none of it.

His mother had sighed at the ‘campaigning’, but Jensen was excited by it. He would sit with his father, waving at all the people, listening to the questions they were asked and his father’s answers.

As the balloons dropped when his father was elected, Jensen danced among them. He didn’t completely understand what was going on, except that his dad had won something.

Jensen had loved how his grandfather would talk to him about what his father was doing, he loved the way that people shook his father’s hand, he loved the atmosphere and everything that was happening around him.

At four years old, Jensen decided that he wanted to be just like his father.

When he told his grandfather, the gleam in the old man’s eyes only solidified his position.

His grandfather patted him on the head as he spoke, “Let’s see if we can make you more than just a governor.”

Jensen was sold.

:::

**PART ONE**

Jared was pretty sure that sitting in the stacks watching some guy was probably illegal. Even if it wasn’t, it was still very creepy. 

Unfortunately it was pretty much the only life he had these days. Most of his time was consumed with studying. His head was swimming with all of the things that he needed to do, all of the things he didn’t know but was required to. So he spent a great deal of time, sitting in the stacks enjoying what was definitely the best view in Boston, while he attempted to absorb everything from his books and notes.

He had first seen this guy the third week of school. He had been ready to run away and quit something for the first time in his life. He had gotten an “F” on a paper. This came on the heels of one professor dismissing his view as that of a ‘simpleton’ and another politely suggesting that he take an easier course or get some serious tutoring. All he heard was that he wasn’t good enough.

It was the first time in his life that he couldn’t seem to succeed, despite hard work. He found out that he really didn’t know how to handle failure-he’d never had to before-and he was starting to think that Harvard was not where he was meant to be; even after a lifetime of thinking that this was the place he belonged.

He was the son of an accountant and a schoolteacher from San Antonio, Texas. His parents had given everything he to see that he would succeed. This thing he was doing was as much his parent’s success as it was his. He was terrified that he was gong to have to tell his parents that he had dreamed too big and just couldn’t do it. 

That first sighting, Jared had been walking aimlessly through the library contemplating running off to Fiji and selling shell bracelets as an alternative to ever having to face them again. 

That was the thought in his head when he first saw hot library guy.

Hot Library Guy had been doing nothing but sitting there, never even looked up, but that moment changed something in Jared.

Jared never thought about Fiji again after seeing Hot Library Guy. Jared found a place where he could observe without looking like he was observing, back against the Afro-Latin poetry shelf, trying to download more information than his head could contain, and stalking.

It was creepy and weird, Jared could admit that much.

It was also getting Jared through his first semester of Harvard.

::: 

Jared opened the door to his dorm room to see Chad on their couch playing video games.

When Chad saw that it was only Jared, he rummaged through the cushions and pulled out a thick book.

“How is Hot Library Guy?” Chad asked, reaching for a pen to make notes. 

“I don’t know why you have to hide the fact that you work hard,” Jared sighed, ignoring Chad’s question.

“I have a reputation to think of,” Chad said loftily, thumbing through the pages in his book.

“Quite a reputation you have going there,” Jared laughed as he pulled off his jacket.

“Shut it,” Chad said grinning. “So, how goes the stalking of Hot Library Guy?”

Jared rolled his eyes. “You can stop calling him that.”

“You started it,” Chad sing-songed. “You’re a weirdo. You know that right?”

“Takes one to know one,” Jared replied, sinking into the couch. “I’m probably going to fail out this week.”

“Let’s go out in a couple hours and celebrate your impending doom,” Chad offered.

“Didn’t we do that last week?” Jared sighed.

“Yes,” Chad chuckled. “As long as you’re going to be a drama queen, I might as well get drunk off it.”

:::

“Come party,” Chris said, sticking his head into Jensen’s room. 

They were far from ‘normal’ students. They had never thought of living off of ramen noodles, neither had ever set foot in the college cafeteria, and they had lived in a few apartments in the last three and a half years, all over Boston. All of the apartments were gorgeous and lavish pads for anyone, let alone college students. But they were young Ackles scions, so it was expected. 

They were the cousins closest in age, born only months apart; Jensen’s father and Chris’ mother were only themselves a few years apart. Chris was the family member that Jensen got along with best. The rest of the cousins were wary of Jensen. They either thought that Jensen was his grandfather’s informant or they thought that he was annoyingly perfect and avoided him. 

Chris was going to Berklee College of Music and Jensen was at Harvard, so it seemed only natural that they would share a place. They were complete opposites and yet, perfectly complimentary. The family had hoped that Jensen would rub off on Chris and that Chris wouldn’t rub off on Jensen, but they both stayed themselves and were stronger friends because of it.

It worked for them. Though Chris was brilliant, he was not one of the most esteemed students. Jensen, on the other hand, was not one of the most intelligent students at Harvard, but he had high grades and respect from his teachers, which was something, given that most of them put him through the ringer to make him prove himself. The Ackles legacy was both a curse and a blessing.

Chris always went out to parties--he had since he had been old enough to sneak out of his parents’ house--but Jensen never had. Chris loved it; Jensen had no desire for it.

 

Like usual Jensen waved Chris requests to party. They had done this two to five times a week for three-and-a-half years. It was their routine. Chris would cajole, beg, threaten, and for three months during their sophomore year, attempt to physically drag him out of the house. Jensen would always end up studying. He wanted nothing more than to be the best and partying wasn’t going to help him achieve that.

But Chris had never learned the fine art of giving up.

Jensen just sighed, as he often did when Chris wanted him to go out, and uncapped his highlighter.

Chris put his hands on his hips.

“You are a senior,” Chris pointed out. “Please come out just this once, you have spent three and a half years in those books. You are going to Harvard Law School next year because they begged you to make their institution better, yet you have avoided something extremely important. Like going out, like having fun.”

“And I will be sad about all the nights I don’t get drunk, black out, and do a million things that I will never remember and always regret.” Jensen replied, barely looking up, highlighting something.

“It’s important,” Chris pointed out. “You’re missing out on prime scandal years.”

Jensen didn’t look up, just pointed his highlighter at his head. “Gay. I’ve got scandal just by breathing.”

“Lame,” Chris muttered. “Hookers, blow, streaking, and defacing historical objects. You should do them or our fucking family is going to make you run for office.”

Jensen finally looked up. “That’s the excuse you’re using for the debauched life that you’re living?”

Chris shrugged. “They’re never going to make me do anything after the whole accidental orgy.”

Jensen just looked at him and spoke slowly as he gestured toward himself. “Gay.”

“Oh my god,” Chris cried out exasperated, pulling Jensen out of his chair and looking at his rumpled appearance. “Come to the party and hit on some underage freshman, if there are any left in the spring semester. Then, sleep with a twink and make me proud. If you’re going to be gay at least be a little gayer about it.”

Chris squinted at Jensen’s outfit, a t-shirt that he had gotten for running a race for cancer and his brother’s beaten up, hand me down jeans. Chris let out a sigh.

“You look like crazy Aunt Hettie after she just gave up and stopped leaving her house,” Chris said with slight distaste. “But I won’t even make you change. I’ll deal with your appearance, if you just stop being such a shut in and come out.”

Jensen grinned. “I did, during high school.”

“Har, har,” Chris grumbled. “You didn’t come out. Ever. You’re still pretty much hush hush. I think I’m probably the only person in the entire would who has seen you with a guy and if push comes to shove I couldn’t actually prove that you actually were more than friends. If it weren’t for that two-year thing with what’s-his-name that even I, in good conscience, can’t call a relationship, I would have serious doubts about your gayness. Where are the half-naked men? Where is the glitter? There isn’t even a boa hanging around. Where is the neatness? Dude, you’re a slob and the shame of the gay community.”

Jensen looked around his room and at his books. They had had this discussion quite a few times. Chris loved to tell him that the gay community was going to disbar him. Tonight wasn’t any more unusual than any other. Hell, he had skipped out on partying on nights that he had so much less work. But tonight, this week, he kind of wanted to take Chris up on his offer. 

He knew that he was missing out on things, but it usually didn’t matter. He looked down at himself and he wanted more.

He laughed despite himself, interrupting Chris’ ranting. “Let me shower. I wouldn’t want to further shame my people.”

Jensen was walking towards the bathroom when Chris suddenly realized what Jensen said.

“What? Wait, you’re going out?” Chris called as the shower started. “Well, I’ll be damned.”

:::

Jensen wasn’t sure what was going on in his head tonight. Usually he let his cousins be the crazy ones, but he had gotten accepted to the law school of his dreams and he had kicked Harvard’s ass. Tonight he just wanted to let loose and party. 

Saying yes to Chris meant that he had been dragged to three bars and a club. So far.

Even more insane, he had succumbed to Chris’ dares. It was something that they had done when they were kids. Chris had been shocked when Jensen had accepted his first dare. He nearly had a coronary when Jensen took the second and it had gone downhill from there

Jensen had kissed two guys and a girl, stolen a shot glass, jumped up on the bar and sang ‘Pour Some Sugar On Me’, and drank way more than he thought he could handle. Chris had ended up kissing two girls and a guy, stealing a bra, and had been the ‘body’ in a whole round of body shots. It was just like when they were kids, except a whole lot more unsavory. This was the Jensen that Chris had loved before he had gotten all ‘respectable.’ 

At the end of the night, Jensen was on the dance floor in the flashing lights, doing what he insisted was dancing, a belief that Chris did not share. When the music stopped and the lights came up Jensen gave Chris a grin, they weren’t ready to call it a night.

At two in the morning Jensen found himself waiting in line at a restaurant in Chinatown, drunk off his ass. Chris was in the restroom when Jensen ran into a tall guy.

Taller than him was rare. At about six foot, Jensen wasn’t used to guys towering over him. The tall guy had shaggy hair and a sweet smile that seemed a little shaky. Jensen felt his heart speed up and his palms get clammy and sweaty. 

This guy was… Well Jensen had had too much alcohol to figure out what he thought this guy was.

He was drunk, and the drunkenness was making him horny, and God, tall guy was looking at him, a little drunk and horny too.

Well, Jensen assumed that the guy was looking at him horny, but he could be very wrong about that. He didn’t have a well-functioning gaydar, but he was pretty sure that this pretty, pretty creature was into him. Mostly, this was because he was drunk and wished it so. At that exact moment, he couldn’t remember wanting anything more than he wanted the guy in front of him. Jensen felt it was only fair that he get the one thing he wanted. He had never felt the self-righteousness of some of his cousins, never used his name for gain, but at the moment he wanted to call in all of his favors. 

He wanted, needed, this guy to be gay. Hell, Jensen would even take bisexual or momentarily experimental.

“You’re pretty,” Jensen informed the tall guy he was still ogling. Jensen had never hit on anyone in his life and he was too drunk to be appalled by exactly how much finesse he did not have.

The guy smiled a mile long, with dimples, and Jensen’s heart nearly stopped beating. Jensen decided he was going to use that line every single time he hit on someone if it got that kind of result. ‘Pretty’ was the best pick up line in the entire world.

“I revise that,” Jensen informed him, swaying slightly. “You’re very, very pretty.”

Tall guy’s eyes nearly disappeared with the force of his grin.

“You’re hot library guy,” the other guy said his voice wavering.

Jensen thought for a moment, he did spend quite a bit of time in the library. This could be true. “I am?”

The guy looked at him like he recognized him and Jensen was ashamed that he never looked up from his books long enough to realize that this guy existed.

“This is the dude you’ve been scoping out in the library?” Another guy asked, suddenly coming into Jensen’s frame of view. 

Jensen did not appreciate him there.

Jensen glared at him, until his newly found gaydar or wish fulfillment – call it what you will – declared this newcomer totally straight, and not even a bit bi-curious. He wanted to have dibs on tall guy. Tall guy needed to be his.

“You’ve been scoping me?” Jensen asked tilting his head, his mind trying to catch up to the situation.

Tall guy blushed. 

“So cute,” Jensen said as he muttered to himself. “Gotta look up from those damn books. Say, you have a name?”

“Jared,” Tall guy said.

“Good name,” Jensen told him, moving closer and smiling.

The guy wrinkled his nose and one of his hands reached out and pulled Jensen closer.

In that moment, Jensen was a goner.

:::

Jensen not waiting Chris got back from the bathroom. The only person there was a blonde guy.

“You Chris?” the guy asked.

Chris blinked, this was very unexpected. The guy seemed to take his silence as a yes.

“I’m Chad. Your friend Jensen left with my friend. I’m supposed to have Chinese with you,” the blonde guy said blinking, seemingly not understanding what was going on either. 

“Are you sure we’re talking about the same Jensen?” Chris managed. Chad sighed and flopped down in a nearby chair.

He began ranting, ignoring Chris’ questions. “How the hell did Jay go home with his dream guy but here I am, at two in the morning, stuck with some guy I have to tell he can’t go home because his roommate is banging mine?”

Chris blinked, processing the words slowly. He assumed the question wasn’t directed at him.

“Jensen is getting lucky?” Chris asked, his synapses starting to connect.

Chad nodded. “And I’m here to tell you that you can’t go home.”

Chris looked around confused. “Jensen? I don’t think he does that.”

“I don’t think Jared does either,” Chad sighed, “but I think that they’re doing just that. I also think that Jared has my keys so I can’t go home, you’re more than welcome to go home, but unless you like awkward gay amateur porn, it is a bad idea, dude.”

“How did this happen?” Chris asked, really wanting to know how one night out changed his cousin’s entire persona.

“I don’t know how it happened,” the guy shrugged. “I’m a little drunk.”

They stood in silence looking at one another. 

“We should celebrate,” Chris said suddenly, “this is like a once-in-a-lifetime thing.”

Chad nodded. “You know what we should not do? We should not have dinner at two in the morning, like two ditched losers on a pity date.”

Chris totally understood. “Let’s go to my buddy’s house, he has Wild Turkey.”

“Lead the way,” Chad said gesturing towards the door.

:::

Between the two of them was only about five inches of space. They sat perfectly acceptably in the cab, grinning like loons. As the cab pulled to a stop, Jensen threw money at the cab driver, hopefully tipping him like he had never been tipped before, and not shorting him.

But Jensen couldn’t seem to bring himself to really care too much about that.

They crashed into the front door of Jensen’s apartment building.

The stairwell smelled like the rock salt used on the snowy sidewalks, tramped in from the outside, but Jensen couldn’t care less because there was a hard body pushing him into the wall, a hot tongue down his throat, and soft hair tangled between his fingers.

Jensen’s pulled his mouth away and Jared whined. 

Jensen grabbed Jared’s arm and practically dragged him up the stairs, his hands going under Jared’s t-shirt to pull at his angular hips and urge Jared down the hallway. Once Jensen had started touching Jared, he couldn’t stop touching him.

He tried to find his keys as Jared sucked at his neck.

When they finally stumbled through the door, Jared’s tongue was back in his mouth and his hands were all over. Jared was tugging at his shirt, pulling it away from his body. Jensen didn’t care what happened to it because Jared’s mouth was making its way down his neck and across his shoulders. His tongue and those lips were touching only a small area of his skin, but it felt like his entire body was on fire.

He pulled back and tilted his head up, looking at the huge guy in his living room, smiling. He had to make sure that this was really happening, that this was even remotely for real.

Jensen reached for the hem of his shirt, pulling it off. “I really, really never do this.”

Jared looked down transfixed by Jensen’s bare torso. Then Jared looked down, a sheepish grin crossing his face when he looked back up.

“What?” Jensen asked.

“In full disclosure, hook ups aren’t my everyday,” Jared admitted. “I grew up studying my life away and that doesn’t really lend itself to a lot of this kind of thing.”

“You sure about this?” Jensen asked, momentarily cautious, really not needing the scandal of someone saying Jensen forced him.

Jared gave him a reassuring smile and dropped to his knees. Jensen’s heart nearly stopped and any worry flew out of his mind. It was a gorgeous sight to see Jared on the ground before him.

“Oh, I want to do this,” Jared replied huskily, looking straight into Jensen’s eyes. “I really really want to do this.”

Jensen could only swallow.

“That sounds nice,” Jensen said in almost a squeak.

“You are quite the one for understatement,” Jared remarked with a grin.

Jensen was already hard and when Jared pressed his palm against his cock he began aching.

“Seems you know some things well enough,” Jensen managed to gasp out.

Jared moved to his buckle and grinned. “Well, I had to be sure I preferred guys.”

The button came next. 

Jared looked up at him, those hazel eyes very serious as he spoke again. “I like facts.”

Jensen bit back a moan, he was absolutely, positively sure that Jared wasn’t that innocent, because Jensen was absolutely, positively sure that this was a seduction.

He found that he really liked being seduced.

The zipper slowly came down as Jared looked up. “I made sure I really, really liked doing this before I told my parents. Made sure cocksucking was something that I’d be ready to lose everything for.”

Jensen swallowed, because Jared’s fingers were tugging at Jensen’s boxer briefs. Then those hazel eyes looked up and Jared’s tongue circled the tip of his cock, just barely touching.

When he spoke again, his breath was hot against Jensen’s cock, teasing. “And this, I like this.”

Jensen watched as his dick disappeared into Jared’s mouth in the middle of his living room. It was hot with suction and a tongue that traced out patterns that made Jensen lose all higher brainpower.

Jensen threaded his hands through Jared’s hair, fingers lightly pressing into his skull as Jared proceeded to give him the benefits of his diligent research.

“Thank you for being totally sure,” Jensen managed to moan and he could feel the bubble of Jared’s laughter around him and he bucked a little at the feel of it.

Jensen felt Jared’s fingers tug on his balls, feel them, fondle them. He could barely function with just the touch of this guy. Then, one finger dipped between his cheeks, circling, gently and pressing. That combined with the feel of Jared’s mouth, nearly deep-throating him, had Jensen coming apart, muttering incoherently.

Jared kept him in his mouth, warm and gentle while Jensen whimpered through the final waves of his orgasm.

Finally, Jared let him slip out of his mouth and leaned back on his heels.

Jensen slid to the floor, Jared’s arms easing him down.

“I really, really like doing that,” Jared said, nuzzling into Jensen’s neck, biting and kissing a little.

“Hmm, well, I like you doing that,” Jensen agreed, reaching for Jared’s clothes, needing skin against his still throbbing body. “Want you naked.”

Jared’s dimples came in full force. He ducked his head again to nuzzle at Jensen’s jaw and moaned as Jensen’s hand disappeared inside of his pants.

“Dear sweet mother fucking lord,” Jared gasped at the contact.

“Very much so,” Jensen sighed. Very, very, very pleased with what he found there.

“How much research did you do on fucking?” Jensen asked, feeling out of control with wanting but willing to follow the want that was thrumming through him. He was playing a whore, but the alcohol and Jared’s smile was a heady combination. 

“Not as much,” Jared gasped as Jensen stroked him. His hips bucking up, trying to get more pressure, his body seeking out any point of contact with Jensen’s bare skin. 

“Gotta get you in me,” Jensen grunted greedily, wrapping his hand around Jared. Jared bucked and moaned at his words.

Jared smothered him in a kiss, pushing him back on the floor, covering Jensen with his body.

“You okay with it this way?” Jensen asked and watched a moment of confusion cover Jared’s face.

“You haven’t done this much,” Jensen guessed.

“A couple,” Jared defended.

Jensen bit his lip while Jared looked up at him, hazel eyes open and clear.

“Okay never,” Jared whispered. “But I want to do this. I learn quickly, just tell me what to do. I want to do this. Besides you offered your ass up, it isn’t going to hurt me none.”

Jensen had to laugh, because Jared’s eyes were shining, he might not know what to do, but Jensen was sure that he was eager to find out.

Jared took the laugh as encouragement and leaned in to whisper in Jensen’s ear. “I really, really, really want to make you make that noise again, the one when I touched here.”

One of Jared’s thick fingers traced down the crease in Jensen’s thigh, Jensen’s head went back and he bit his lip trying to hold back a moan.

“That’s the one,” Jared said.

Then he pulled back, and Jensen whimpered a little.

Jared looked at him with faux drunken innocence. “What? Didn’t you wanna stop?’

Jensen leapt forward and teased Jared’s lips before nipping and running his tongue down Jared’s neck, while Jared squirmed under the feeling. Jensen’s hand reached down towards Jared’s pants.

“What?” Jensen asked as Jared pushed him away. Jensen was looking forward to touching him again, because what Jared had in his pants was awesome.

Jared sat back on his heels, looking at Jensen. He cocked his head.

“I wanna see you all spread out,” Jared told him.

Jensen froze.

Jared looked up and wrinkled his nose. “That wrong?”

“I am trying,” Jensen said through gritted teeth, “not to jump you.”

Jared cocked his head, he looked very confused. “Why?”

Jensen shook his head, trying to clear it.

Jared just shrugged. “I might never have done it before, but I know what I like, what I want. I have an excellent imagination.” Jared said positively. “And what I want right now…”

Jensen moved closer and ran his hands over Jared’s chest, rubbing the pad of his thumb over the nipples, his mouth plowing into Jared’s.

He managed to get them both standing, leaving pieces of clothing strewn all over the living room.

“Don’t talk,” Jensen demanded, pushing Jared a little away.

Jared just stood there looking over at him, not talking.

“This is not going to last long if you don’t be quiet for just a second. The words coming out of you mouth…” Jensen trailed off and looked at Jared’s mouth. “So give me just a second.”

Jensen breathed heavily and then looked at the naked man in front of him. When he spoke it came out in only a rasp. “Then we’re going to make sure you like to do other things with dick.”

:::

Jensen woke up the next morning sore in the very best way. His face was in the nape of Jared’s neck. His legs were tangled with ungodly long legs.

This was unusual, to say the very least.

And pretty damn appealing.

Jared stirred and Jensen tried to hold on to him a little, without looking like he was in any way trying to cuddle. If this turned out badly, he was just going to claim to be asleep.

He sucked in a breath and tried to tell himself that Jared would be ugly in the harsh light of day, without alcohol. So he cracked open an eye.

Jared was just as cute as the night before, and he was watching Jensen, with a shy little grin. 

Jensen felt a little wobbly, but not as hung over as he thought he would be. He also felt like this should be weird.

It wasn’t. It was a totally comfortable moment.

Jensen opened his eyes completely and just looked back at Jared. He reached a hand out and touched Jared’s chest, tentatively at first and then surer, resting his hand on Jared’s naked hipbone.

Jared grinned sheepishly, brushing his fingers over Jensen’s hand where it lay on his chest. “Did that really happen?”

Jensen was glad that he was lying down because this Jared’s voice was like raspy butter; it did funny things to him.

“Do you want to pretend it didn’t?” Jensen asked, his tone light.

“I kind of want to light a candle to every deity out there that it did. That was way better than I thought it would be,” Jared said with a laugh. As though realizing what he said, Jared turned his face towards the pillow. “Oops.”

Jensen looked at him incredulously. “It’s true, what you said last night. Your friend said you have been ‘scoping’ me? And maybe, thinking about me?”

“Yeah,” Jared said, his voice muffled from the pillow. He then lifted his head up sheepishly. “Have you seen you?”

Jensen shrugged. He’d been called pretty his whole life, he didn’t have much of a gage on it.

Jared continued talking. “I just didn’t think I stood much of a chance you know? You always seemed to be so into what you were doing, even with the stuff that had an inch of dust on it. I’m pretty happy getting a chance to be all naked with you, but I kind of would love it if it didn’t have to end.”

Jensen searched the Jared’s face. He might have been the most outgoing person in the world, but his bullshit detector was in premium condition. He always knew who knew about him and who wanted to use him. 

When he looked into the hazel eyes of Jared there was only a whole lot of attraction and genuine innocent interest.

“Jesus,” Jensen swore.

He had never in his life had anyone every say something so unabashedly open and honest. He barely even knew Jared, but he was pretty sure that he anted to get to know him better, and not all that had to do with nakedness.

Jensen curled back into him.

“What year are you?” Jensen asked suddenly.

“Freshman,” Jared muttered.

Jensen groaned. “Dear lord. Tell me you’re legal.”

“Dirty deed done, little late for asking that now,” Jared laughed. “But I’m eighteen.”

“Good,” Jensen said pulling him closer. “Where you from?”

“Texas,” Jared said.

Jensen debated whether or not to tell him he was too. Jensen had spent a lot of time getting rid of his Texas twang, and Jared didn’t seem to know who he was. Jensen wanted to get to know him, but if he mentioned that his last name was Ackles he was sure that Jared would make the connection that his name was the same as the governor of his home state, and Jensen was worried that he wouldn’t get to know Jared as well if he was “Jensen Ackles.”

Fortunately, Jared’s stomach growled, practically shaking the bed.

“Wanna eat?” Jensen laughed.

Jared grinned. “Always.”

“See if I have breakfast,” Jensen told him. “You can stay, right?”

Jared smiled. “I can stay.”

:::

Jared didn’t go home that weekend. He spent the entire time in bed getting to know Jensen. Reluctantly, he went home late Sunday night. Jensen was someone he wanted to be around, and that was something that Jensen seemed to feel as well.

Ten minutes after Jared flopped on his bed, Chad came in, looking horrible.

“You look like shit,” Jared told him.

“Vegas,” Chad muttered. “Chris is crazy.”

Jared looked at him funnily. 

“You were in Vegas for thirty something hours?” Jared asked. “How does that even work?”

“Kane is fucking crazy, he is not limited by time or space,” Chad said waving his hand. “Is Ackles fucking insane too? You look like a rutted antelope.”

Jared looked at him like he was straight up crazy.

Chad flopped back on his bed and gave Jared a mockery of his crazy look. After a second he started laughing.

“Holy shit,” Chad swore, suddenly looking more alive. “He didn’t tell you? You didn’t even learn your obsessive stalkee’s last name?”

Jared realized stupidly that Jensen didn’t tell him anything.

“He’s Jensen Ackles,” Chad said slowly.

Jared was a numbers guy, he like numbers and how they worked, he liked visual things, he wasn’t much one for politics, but he knew the governor that he had been raised under.

Alan Ackles was the governor of Texas, he was a liberal, and still the oil happy, gun-toting Texans loved Alan Ackles. The whole of America loved the Ackles clan. The Ackles were political dynamos and America had loved them since the sixties, watched avidly as they’d weathered scandals and wielded political power. They were the closest thing to royalty the country had.

“Ackles as in ‘The Ackles’?” Jared squeaked, knowing that it was a stupid question at this point.

Chad nodded.

The giddily light feeling in his stomach was quickly smothered by the terrifying weight of reality.

“Oh,” Jared said feeling as though he had been hit by a ton of bricks. He had just fucked Jensen Ackles.

Jensen Ackles, the great hope of America.

Well that was, that was…

He should have listened to his little sister, for once in his life.

Megan had been the one who knew those things. She worked in the Country Club and she had heard all the gossip that people of that class said. She told him that there was an Ackles who was very gay and very hot who was going to Harvard. 

Unfortunately, she had said it at a squeal that made him stop listening. He remembered something about how the Ackles son’s sexuality was one of the worst kept secrets among those who liked to talk, but it hadn’t made it to the media because they were protective of him. 

But it was said that Jensen Ackles wasn’t just a catch, he was THE catch. Some even twittered that their sons might be maybe a little gay, in hopes of catching Jensen’s eye.

Jared was kicking himself. He really should have paid more attention, maybe even looked at the pictures that she pulled from the internet.

Last night it had just been some hot guy, and now the hot guy came with an American aristocracy, loads of money, and was pretty much the most unattainable person in the universe.

And Jared had just spent the weekend with him. 

“Am I even allowed to call him?” Jared wondered aloud, he felt like he needed some sort of clearance for this one. 

“Did he give you his number?” Chad asked.

“Yes,” Jared said nodding his head.

“Then you need to call and call often. And you need to step up your stalking skills,” Chad insisted. “This is not a guy you let get away.”

Jared raised an eyebrow and Chad thought about what he just said.

“Wow,” Chad said. “I just channeled my mother, I’m never drinking martinis again.”

Jared’s eyes wandered off as his thoughts went in a million different directions.

He was officially freaked out well and good now.

:::

 

The Ackles were a name in Texas before Jensen’s father was elected, after that it was impossible to have much anonymity. Jensen grew up surrounded by people and well known by the masses.

When he wasn’t in Texas being the governor’s son, he was on the Massachusetts coast, being one of the elite Ackles clan. It was neither a small brood, nor poor, or anything remotely close to un-influential. 

For all the name recognition he had, he should have been more present in the media, but he usually was in the shadows. He was never really recognized as much as his brother or cousins were. 

That changed in a blink. When he was fifteen, he saved a young girl who was caught in an undertow and thus emerged into the harsh glare of the public eye. From that moment on, he was the darling of the family. He was the good one, the untouchable one. He was the hero, the quiet and mysterious one. The one that was lauded for sainthood. 

For most pre-pubescent boys it would have been too much, but he handled it with stunning grace. He didn’t give it much credence, but his family noticed. The world noticed.

He was the one that idle whispers pointed to as the next great Ackles.

That was when he started to help out with his father’s office, going to fundraising events, becoming the voice about and for young America.

He couldn’t even vote when he started speaking at rallies, calling for the young people to speak out loud and clear for the country that they would one day inherit.

There wasn’t anyone who couldn’t point to him as a good honorable young man. Occasionally he got tired of being always ‘on’, but that was when he found refuge in his family’s home, he found no need to go out like other kids, he had enough being seen, sometimes he jus wanted peace. 

He believed in every word he said, all the hopes he held out to his peers, but sometimes it was easier to breathe in his home, than in front of people. It was a little bit of a relief to have somewhere to go where he wasn’t the center of attention.

When he turned sixteen, everything changed for him internally when he kissed Bobby Franco on the beach in Massachusetts. 

He spent two years agonizing over life, over that one kiss, over what it meant, and doing his best to pretend it didn’t happen. It was easier than he thought it would be. 

When he was eighteen, his immediate family sat him down. They talked for a while, but he didn’t know what it was about at first. They told him that how he wanted to live was his choice, and they would support him no matter what.

He was actually embarrassed to admit that it took him half an hour to realize that they were telling him, in the middle of their big Texas house, that they were okay with him being gay.

When he had realized what it was they were saying, he nearly died of twelve kinds of embarrassment. What he found was the most embarrassing part was the fact that he had done such a poor job of hiding what he thought was his secret.

His mother started setting him up with Texas’ eligible gay bachelors, both of the ones that were out and under twenty-one. It was the longest four months of Jensen’s life. He was never happier to be going to Harvard, getting away from his family’s overly enthusiastic embracement of his sexuality. Publicly it was kept quiet, but really it was fairly well known. There was a lot of “wink wink nudge nudge” going on and Jensen, who was used to being the one who didn’t stand out for anything except for what he put out there, tried his best to ignore the subtext. 

At nineteen he went to Cambridge. While he was a stone’s throw away from the seat of his family’s nucleus and in his brother’s neighborhood. Josh was Boston’s most eligible bachelor and being fast tracked into the state senate.

Entering into his senior year Jensen knew that he’d soon fall under the demands of the family.

So, Jensen sat there, three and a half years into his time at Harvard, feeling the clock ticking towards the inevitable, most of him really looking forward to it.

He stared down at his books, trying to return to what he knew. It wasn’t happening. This weekend there had been something new; Jared Padalecki had brought something more into his carefully constructed world.

It was unsettling to say the least.

Jensen stretched, still sore, his shirt rubbing against the bite marks on his shoulders.

His body felt like something new and different, like it was waiting to stretch into a new form.  
::  
Jared was surprised to find how much his life had changed in the last hour. Well his life had changed over the course of the weekend, or at least he thought it did, but the final metamorphosis was with the revelation that Jensen Ackles was his mystery man. 

He spent too long agonizing over what to do and coming up with many scenarios of how he was going to screw this up before he even know what ‘this’ was. Finally he stopped mentally berating himself and picked up the phone. 

He still held his breath as the phone rang.

“Miss me already?” A light voice inquired on the other end of the line.

That was the voice, warm and welcoming. Jared hadn’t imagined this weekend happening.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Jared asked, trying to be cool, calm and collected, but he was eighteen and not even a year out of his parents house so even he knew, it came out a little childish.

But that was really all he had in his arsenal.

He heard a long sigh.

“So you know,” Jensen said resignedly.

Jared jumped up and down, waving his arms around wildly, but he managed to keep his voice even. “You’re Jensen Ackles.”

“I’m just Jensen,” Jensen sighed.

Jared couldn’t leave it alone. “You’re a lot more than I thought you were, and you weren’t starting that low.”

Jensen was silent and Jared didn’t know if Jensen was over him already. He sounded like a petulant child and Jensen was Jensen Ackles.

”I wanted you to like me for me,” Jensen said after a moment. “People tend to get freaky or press happy when they find out who I am, especially people from Texas.”

Jared swallowed, because that was direct and to the point. He liked direct and to the point. He really didn’t do subtle; he usually got all turned around and lost in it.

“Yeah,” Jared said. “Well, I’m not press happy. I wouldn’t really know how one would go to the press even if I wanted to, not that I want to in any way, just so you know. I mean I’m not really going to make a big deal of this if you’re trying to lay low or something. I really just didn’t know who you were.”

“And now?” Jensen asked.

Jared paused, there seemed to be a great weight on this, but he didn’t know what he was supposed to say, so he just spoke his mind. “I’m just a little intimidated by your family and your bank account. Actually, I’m absolutely terrified. Which is gonna make it hard, because I was intimidated by you just being hot library guy.”

There was a long pause and suddenly, Jensen was laughing. “Dear sweet lord! Are you for real? I’ve never met anyone so open and honest to my face.”

“We’re on the phone,” Jared replied, feeling a little like he was speaking in circles. “The point is that you’re, well, you could have anyone. I’m just some eighteen-year-old from Texas. You sure you want to continue it? You don’t have to; I’ll just chalk it all up to the most unbelievable weekend of my life and probably compare every other hookup it from now on. No hard feelings.”

Jensen laughed again. “You’re something else. I don’t want to stop; I mean I don’t want this to be the last time I get to talk to you. I want to talk to you more.”

“Okay,” Jared said letting out a breath he hadn’t realized he had been holding. 

:::

It took Jensen two weeks before he realized that he had to ask Jared out on a date. It had taken him another three days to actually ask him out, even though they studied side by side every day. They spent time together, but Jensen wanted to make sure that Jared knew what this was. He was a little cautious, expecting to be proven wrong. There was something great about Jared that he half expected to disappear. He was waiting for Jared to be not as brilliant and shiny.

But Jared never seemed to fade.

Finally, Jensen asked him out.

“I’d like to take you out on a date,” Jensen said on the phone because he was never going to be able to do it to Jared’s face.

“Okay,” Jared said, not quite getting it.

“Like a real date,” Jensen pushed.

“Sure,” Jared said sounding like he had no idea what was going on.

“I’m going to pick you up and buy you dinner,” Jensen went on.

“Jensen,” Jared interrupted. “I know what a date is, I’ve been on a few. I’d love for you to take me out.”

Jensen felt like a bigger ass, but he was bound and determined to do it right. He felt there was significance.

Jared had accepted, but now Jensen had a bigger problem. He wasn’t all that experienced in the dating arena. In fact, he had never really been on a date that his mother hadn’t set up or that didn’t taken place within the walls of his own house.

“This is hilarious,” Chris said, lounging on the sofa. He was throwing a ball in the air as Jensen searched the Internet.

“You are so helpful,” Jensen said. He would have rolled his eyes if they weren’t glued to the screen. “You’re either a bum and draw the girls in with the attitude or you flash the family connections. I don’t know how you even think you can help.”

“I’m amused,” Chris said. “This is probably the best thing that has ever happened to me.”

Jensen looked up at him incredulously. “My dating is the best thing that has ever happened to you? I feel a little sorry for you.”  
Chris laughed as he picked up his guitar. “I think I’m going to compose an ode.”

Jensen got up and took the guitar from him. “You’re not composing any odes. You will be as normal as you can be, and you’re going to help me figure out where to go and what to do.”

“Awww, Jensen is going out on his first date! Are you positive I can’t call your mom?” Chris asked.

“You do that and I will kill you,” Jensen informed him cheerfully as he returned to his research. 

“What about the ski house in Vermont,” Chris suggested.

Jensen groaned turning back to Chris. “I’m trying NOT to flaunt things.”

“Things?” Chris snickered. “Like the fact that the family has several houses and a few private jets? Or maybe the fact that your immediate family has corporation status and that we rank fairly high on the Fortune 500? You mean things that make your everyday ridiculous to the average man who is not us?”

“Yeah, that,” Jensen sighed. “I want to ease him into it.”

“I think that he’s aware,” Chris pointed out. “Taking him to a hotdog stand might be low balling it a bit.”

“I’m going to find a happy medium,” Jensen muttered, turning back to his computer. 

Chris watched him trying to find something to do with Jared on their ‘first’ date. 

“I’m impressed with him,” Chris finally said. “He’s got you doing something besides studying, after a weekend of keeping you from studying. From what I’ve heard from Chad, I’m totally going to approve of this guy.”

Jensen looked at him. “From what I’ve heard from Jared, I suspect that I’m not going to like you hanging out with Chad very much”

Chris threw his head back and laughed. “I love this game. Let’s find you a good compromise.”

:::

 

“Nice car,” Jared said, his hand out the window as they cruised along the highway.

Jensen shrugged at his brother’s Audi. “Not mine.”

“Your life comes real pretty,” Jared said admiringly.

Jensen shifted, uncomfortable at all this talk about his life.

“Where we going?” Jared asked, changing the subject.

“We’re going to this great seafood place on the Cape,” Jensen told him, grateful. “It’s just benches by the water. They cook it all in this big pot, potatoes and corn with these spices. It’s just to die for.”

Jared just gave a little smile.

For a few minutes, they drove in silence.

“What do you want to be when you grow up?” Jared asked suddenly, smiling at Jensen. “I know you’re doing government and pre-law and you have all that family stuff, but what do you want to be?”

Jensen laughed. “I have no clue. I feel like I got on this track when I was born and I’ve never really thought to deviate. It’s just the way my life has played out so far.”

There was a little smile on Jensen’s lips and Jared reached out and touched his hand on the shifter.

“Do you like it?” Jared asked, running a finger over Jensen’s knuckles.

“Would I sound stupid if I say I do?” Jensen asked sheepishly. “I really like that this is my life. I like the potential it has. If I say that the track I’m on is because of who my family is, then it seems like it’s something that is just happening to me. Like I’m just taking what is handed to me without thinking about it. Like my life is a passive bit of luck. But the truth is that this is the path that I want to be on. I like it.”

Jared huffed. “No, you’re not stupid. You’re lucky. I’m jealous.”

Jensen looked over at him and smiled. “You don’t think that it’s a cop out?”

“You doing what you love?” Jared asked simply.

“I think so,” Jensen admitted.

“Then that is very cool,” Jared said, turning to give Jensen one of his radiant smiles.

“What do you love?” Jensen asked, wanting to know more about the man next to him.

Jared looked at him seriously. “I’m still trying to figure it out.”

Silence descended and they watched the world fly by. The rest of the ride was spent in comfortable silence, neither saying anything, just enjoying the company.

“I like economics,” Jared confessed later as they were sitting at a picnic table by the water, watching dinghies float towards the dock. “I mean I adore it. I love the way numbers work their ways into systems and it just makes complete sense to me.”

“That is very cool,” Jensen smiled, leaning his chin on his hand.

“Don’t make me geek out,” Jared warned, but he proceeded to get very excited and tell Jensen about what one of his latest classes was about. He spoke about it in a way most people would talk about winning the lottery or meeting their latest celebrity crush.

“That is weird,” Jensen told him with a smile that meant anything but. 

The huge smile on his face was real and bright. He understood little of what Jared was talking about, but he adored the enthusiasm with which he spoke.

“Chad thinks so, too,” Jared muttered, almost shyly at Jensen’s approval.

“Chris says that Chad is hardly someone that you should take life advice from,” Jensen remarked. “I have only been given vague, second hand information, but that guy sounds unpredictable and a little wild. How in the world did you become friends?”

Jared laughed at that. “He found me at orientation and he decided then and there that we needed to be friends. Only Chad knows why. He’s pretty connected and well off, he did some kind of mojo and got our roommates to switch places. All of the sudden we’re living together and he’s nominated himself as my cruise director. I don’t have time to make other friends and he’s pretty handy. He always knows stuff to do or places to go and other things like that. I don’t know what his end game is, but I’m good for the ride.”

Their drinks came and Jared sipped at his soda. 

“Why Harvard?” Jensen asked. “I mean I know it’s in my blood to do it, but why did you come here?”

“Because I wanted to see if I could,” Jared answered truthfully. “My parents told me I could do anything, that I could be anything. I am testing that theory.”

Jensen just watched him, and got a brief taste of Jared’s zest for life. He saw how Jared ate, talked and listened at everything as if he was actually completely present and open to all of the conversation, to any food, to the words out of his mouth. And he did it all with a mischievous little grin. There was something irrepressible about Jared, new and fresh and completely alien.

Jensen didn’t understand Jared’s willingness to experiment with things that he didn’t know about. It was as foreign to Jensen as it was daunting, but it was attractive like nothing else.

“How’s it working out?” Jensen asked cautiously, as if Jared’s head might explode from all the trying.

Jared smiled. “It’s hard, but I’m keeping at it. I guess I can let you know if it works or not in three years if I graduate.”

Jensen let his grin spread over his face, it made him feel giddy and a little out of control. Jared factored into it, and together they created a whole safe orbit around themselves.

“I don’t know how to date,” Jensen admitted suddenly, knowing he was a totally klutz at the whole process, but willing to try. He was going to be damned by that smile anyway. “I don’t know how to fit you in. I study, I work out, I occasionally attend family events, but I don’t know how the hell I am supposed to date you, but I want to. I really, really want to.”

“Me?” Jared asked honestly surprised. “Is it because I kick ass at stalking?”

Jensen reached out, and for the first time in his life he engaged in PDA, lacing his fingers through Jared’s.

“Maybe,” Jensen admitted. “Or maybe it was fate. Maybe it was just two horny guys who needed to get out more. All I know is that I think that this awesome; I want to make time for it. I’ve never felt like this. Actually I don’t think that I’ve ever felt so much in my life. I’d like to see what happens”

“Okay then,” Jared said, his smile blinding as he squeezed Jensen’s hand. “I’m on board.”

The waitress showed up, placing their lobsters in front of them.

Jared gaped at the red crustacean before him.

“Umm Jensen,” Jared began in a small voice cautiously poking at the tail. “How do I eat this thing?”

:::

“Chris told Jamie that you have a boyfriend,” was the first thing that came from the other side of his phone.

“Hello, dear brother,” Jensen said in a mocking tone, trying to read and talk at the same time. “I thought that you were supposed to be doing whatever it is a DA does. I assume whatever it is, it comes with tights and a secret identity the way people talk about you.”

“Tights are your thing,” Josh snorted. “So boyfriend, the first one. I’m doing research of the proper way to approach him. You know, I want to be intimidating, but not intimidating enough to make him think that I think that you are a girl like Mackie, or to make me come off as a homophobic asshole.”

“You’re so generous and politically correct,” Jensen replied absentmindedly.

“Tell me about him or I’m giving mom a call and then you’ll have to tell her the details,” Josh stated practically. “I can make it easier on you.”

“Wow,” Jensen said incredulously. “Taking lessons from Mackenzie on blackmail?”

“Oh yes,” Josh said gleefully clapping his hands together. “I’m calling her right after this phone call. She’s very helpful.”

“Right,” Jensen sighed. “I only get a week before the cousins tell the older generation anyway.”

“A week is a very long time,” Josh told him. 

Jensen groaned. “His name is Jared and he’s from Texas.”

:::

Jensen managed to keep most of the family at bay for the rest of the spring semester. Neither he nor Jared had ample free time. They still managed to spend a lot of time studying together, in the library and at Jensen’s house, before and after being naked. They ran together at obscenely early hours of the morning, Jared enticing Jensen out of bed with the promise of free coffee.

It was as if they skipped the whole early dating process and ended up just being together. Jensen got a few months of just living day to day with someone he was crazy about, For the first time he wasn’t always thinking about his future, he was just thinking about being there with Jared.

But there were times when it would all rear it’s ugly head and Jensen would have events and speaking engagements, where people would ask what he was going to do with the rest of his life. He had known the answer to that, he still knew the answer, but being with Jared gave him pause. It was worse when those in the know tried to set him up with their sons, and the clueless tried to set him up with their daughters.

Jensen wasn’t the only one feeling the pressure though. Jared was completely overwhelmed by the things that seemed to come so easily to Jensen, namely a different style of living. The little things, like how to use what forks and spoons at the fancy dinner Jensen took him to so they could celebrate their one-month anniversary. They agreed that Jared didn’t want to go to the functions that were almost a family requirement. 

It made what was between them only theirs, and sweeter some how.

However, with graduation looming over his head, Jensen knew that time was beginning to run short. He was going to have to choose to continue his relationship in the real world, namely introducing him to Ackles family, or he was going to have to end it.

Ending it didn’t really seem to be any kind of option though.

He liked Jared, more than was probably healthy. Jared was always around; Jared’s things were in his room, and Jensen couldn’t get enough of him.

If he had to be honest with himself, he knew that he was on the verge of declaring his undying love in skywriting or something equally as embarrassing. He was beginning to listen to love songs and think that they knew what they were talking about. In a matter of months, Jared had seeped into his pores.

Gratefully, he knew that Jared felt the same way. Being apart from one another was something that they couldn’t manage very well. But, there was something that kept nagging at him, something he desperately wanted to avoid. 

Jensen knew that the family would become involved sooner or later. The fact that Jared was middle class and a guy dating Jensen wouldn’t matter to most of them, but Grandma Ackles would be a challenge.

Ultimately her decision could make or break a relationship. If she disapproved it was very cold. If she approved then she had a new project. There was a joke in the family about the ‘Ackles Prep Finishing Program.’ Grandma Ackles loved to preen and prep the girlfriends and boyfriends of her grandchildren so that they could potentially shine like jewels on the family crown. She didn’t expect anybody to understand their family and the dynamics; she just wanted nice people for her grandchildren. She would fit them into the Ackles mold easily enough, that is, if they got through the introductory examination.

But that’s not what Jensen was mostly afraid of.

It wasn’t about Jensen’s family liking Jared. Everyone loved Jared. And the family had very liberal attitudes, so the fact that Jared was the son of a schoolteacher and an accountant wasn’t insurmountable.

What scared Jensen was that one-day, Jared would realize how much Jensen was not the son of regular people. Jensen was afraid that when Jared figured it out the vastness of the family, he would bolt.

At times, if Jensen was honest with himself, he didn’t know what it was that people saw in him. If he wasn’t just shy of perfect, he didn’t know what people would like about him. He could put on the shiny and glittery Jensen, but when it came right down to it, he didn’t know what was at the core. But Jared seemed to know.

Jared even liked whatever it was, and Jensen was willing to trust him a little bit because he hadn’t shown Jared anything else but the real Jensen, whatever that was, and Jared still kept coming back for more. 

They were studying on the grass the day just before finals, which Jensen was under no illusions he would ace, when he looked over at Jared. Jared paused and looked up from his book, grinning goofily.

Jensen’s heart stopped, as it typically did when Jared smiled. He wanted to capture these moments, the ones when he was so goddamned happy that this man existed. It happened when he saw Jared naked, or when he saw Jared move, or when he listened to Jared talk. It was pretty much a constant thing. Jensen occasionally wondered if this was going to affect his health.

“I’m very, very rich,” Jensen said, reaching out to touch Jared’s jaw line. “My family is very, very influential.”

“And you are very, very modest,” Jared informed him.

“I’m in love with you,” Jensen told him, terrified to find how true it was. “I don’t want you to say it back. Not now. We’re having a weekend of celebration for me after graduation. Come to the compound and decide if you still want to be with me, as soon as you truly begin to understand what you’re getting yourself into.”

Jared grinned at him. “You’re a strange guy, Jensen Ackles. So, let me get this straight, you want me to meet your family and then I can tell you that I love you too?”

“Exactly,” Jensen stated matter-of-factly.

Jared leaned in to kiss him. “You are the most awesome thing in the world. Hasten in the family so I can get back to my relationship.”

Jensen swallowed, because part of him knew that it just couldn’t be this easy.

:::

 

Jensen was the only one graduating this year so the celebration held at the compound was for him, and only him. He didn’t know how he managed to do it; with just first cousins alone, there were usually multiple people that were graduating at many different levels of education in any given summer. But the only one who was close enough was Chris, and he was taking the five-year program.

There were seventy family members in and out for the ‘Weekend of Jensen.’ And that was because a quite a few members of the family couldn’t make it.

Which made the whole bringing-Jared-home thing that much more intimidating.

Jared was quiet when he saw the house--which was pretty much four houses and half a dozen bungalows for various purposes--the fields, and the private stretch of ocean.

“This is my life,” Jensen said softly, not looking at Jared.

“Kind of shabby,” Jared remarked, trying to keep the awe out of his voice. “Not even one tennis court in sight.”

Jensen made a face and cleared his throat. “They’re behind the second guest house.”

Jared’s mouth formed an ‘O.’

Jensen reached for his hand.

“Welcome to my home,” Jensen said, trying to put determination in his voice, leading him out to the family festivities.

Jared was by his side, playing football, eating ridiculous dinners, and celebrating. Jared managed not to look like the proverbial deer caught in the headlights, except for the moment when Jensen introduced his parents. Jared put on his best manners, but he was unable to string together more than a few works at a time.

After a day it seemed as if Jared was settling, calmer around the Ackles brood. Jensen knew that the moment of truth was coming, he didn’t inform Jared of the truly daunting moment He just let him be happy and free around the family.

Grandma Ackles came out with her parasol, a tiny sweet looking old woman, and looked up at Jared. She had just flown in from London where one of the cousins had just had a baby. She looked fresh and crisp as always.

“Well, aren’t you a big one,” she said in her prim voice.

“Hello, ma’am,” Jared said properly, almost bowing to her slightly.

She smiled, and Jensen knew it was the warm real one that she reserved for people she genuinely liked. Jensen watched the appraisal as she took Jared’s hand. “Walk with me for a bit.”

Jared looked back at Jensen who made no move to follow, just nodded and gestured for him to keep going.

Josh walked up to Jensen and held out a beer. “Now that was cruel.”

“What was I supposed to say?” Jensen sighed. “’The most important person that you are going to meet is my grandmother and she is probably going to nicely poke and prod you to see if you can be cultivated’?. Jared is awesome, but if he knew that she was the ultimate test and the parents weren’t, then he would freak out and be horrible. All that he knows is that this is my nice, little grandmother and he’s going to charm her pants off.”

“She’s wearing a skirt,” Josh pointed out dryly.

“Whatever,” Jensen said, eyes never leaving their forms as Jared leaned down to the small woman’s ear.

When Grandma Ackles returned Jared, he was blushing a bit, but Jensen could see in her eyes that she was hatching a plan. Jensen was sure that the plan was definitely going to be how to rub the rough edges off of Jared. Jensen wasn’t sure that he wanted the rough edges worn away though. He liked Jared just as he was.

But the smile on her face was enough, it was going to be okay. 

“I’ve brought him back,” she announced. “Also he is going to be coming here for the Fourth of July, I told him that he could bring you, Jensen.”

With that she moved back toward the house.

Jensen grinned and punched Josh in the arm. “Told you so.”

Jared just looked confused. “What is going on?”

:::

Jared refused to speak to Jensen because he could not believe that Jensen had put him through that kind of situation without telling him that it was some kind of test. He was pissed. He’d walked away and Chris had gone after him. 

“He’s just mortified,” Chris whispered. “I’ll explain it to him.”

And Jensen just stood there, watching Chris take off.

Jensen had nothing else to do but sit on the beach and wait. He leaned back on one of the Adirondack chairs and felt the sun, waiting for Jared to come back. 

“Hello, Jensen,” a voice said as its owner sat down next to him.

Jensen sat up a little straighter, it was always the reaction that he had when his grandfather spoke.

“Hi, Grandfather,” Jensen said automatically.

His grandfather smiled, that smile that always seemed to know more than everyone else.

“I’m glad I’ve found you,” his grandfather said. “I’ve been meaning to speak to you.”

“Yes, Grandfather,” Jensen said obediently.

His grandfather laughed. “Oh, Jensen! Don’t tell your cousins, but you might be my favorite.”

Jensen looked shocked.

“Don’t look like that, son,” his Grandfather said. “It isn’t hard. You remind me so much of my brother, you’re so much like Jack.”

Jensen nodded. They didn’t really talk about his great uncle. He had been president and had been shot.. They didn’t talk about him much, not as the myth and definitely not as the martyr. There were occasional stories in the family of a very real man who used to pull pranks and who kicked everyone’s butt at football, but bringing up Jack as more than a relative was something that wasn’t condoned.

“You’re smart, but not so smart that you can’t relate to people. You have principles, but you don’t see the world in black and white,” his grandfather said appraisingly. “You’ve got it son. You’re just like Jack, goddamned annoyingly perfect.”

His grandfather paused and for a moment looked like he was lost in thought, a small smile on his face, before becoming the mighty patriarch again. “I can talk the tar out of the road, but I’m not Jack. I just don’t have that spark. Your father has it. We all thought he might try, but he fell in love with your mother and when his time came, her father was going through a messy divorce so he never ran. He loves your mother more than he loves his career.”

Jensen smiled a little, because he knew how he had grown up.

His grandfather continued. “Your brother is a good man, but your brother doesn’t see enough, he only sees things in black and white. Most of the family wants what you have. Some of us just love the power that comes with it, and some of us just know how to get things done, and we’re better behind the scenes. The thing is Son, you are the total package, you’re the one.”

Jensen swallowed.

“You want it and you are good at it,” his grandfather said. “And you’re also the person I would follow.”

Jensen just stared at him, feeling like the sun had dried up his brain cells. That was the one thing that he has always wanted to hear, this was the one thing everyone in the family, and quite possibly half the world, wanted to hear about themselves.

And it was for Jensen’s ears alone.

 

“Grandpa,” Jensen said, trying to be calm despite his wild emotion. “You do know I’m gay.”

His grandfather gave him a wry smile. “That would explain you sharing a room with the young man who was escorting your grandmother.”

Jensen blinked, he was totally not used to his grandfather being sarcastic. 

His grandfather grinned and, suddenly, Jensen was a grown up and his grandfather was giving him respect. “Why the do you think that Massachusetts has legalized gay marriage? When we figured on you being gay we had to normalize it.”

Jensen’s calm shattered and his jaw dropped. “You had Massachusetts legalize gay marriage because you found out I was gay?”

His grandfather thought for a minute. “There was a lot of people who wanted it, I couldn’t have done anything if there weren’t, but I might have finessed some things. So if you want to be self-centered and make it simplistic, then yes.”

Jensen just looked at him, trying to figure out his grandfather’s plan. “You did this to pave the way. The first part of acceptance is normalization.”

His grandfather just looked at him. “I saw who you were becoming and I wanted to give you the best chance. It’s yours and we will do everything in our power to make it happen if you so choose. Keep your nose clean and in thirty years, you can have whatever you want.”

Jensen just sat there dumbstruck. His grandfather patted his knee comfortingly and moved to stand up.

“How far?” Jensen asked, feeling a little nervous.

His grandfather gave him a smooth as butter grin. “As far as you want to go Jensen.”

Jensen continued to sit there completely dumbfounded.

He had just been given the world

:::

Jared had gone off with Chris, and some of the other more rambunctious cousins, and come back all smiles and slurs.

“I forgive you,” Jared announced loudly falling down next to Jensen on the sand. Jensen arranged him so they were cuddling in front of the bonfire blazing in front of them. Jared was both pliable and flailing, so it was an interesting task.

Jared poked him. “Seriously, Chris made some good points. You have a biiiiiig family and they’re freaky, but I like Grandma Ackles. She told me to call her that. Chris said that I’m now the standard and that I’m a good one.”

“Oh, really?” Jensen said giving Chris a glare.

“Shhhh,” Jared said, pulling Jensen’s face back to him. “Don’t be angry, Chris just pointed out that I’m a favorite now and all the other boyfriends that you bring home will be compared to me, Perfect, perfect me!”

Jensen looked down at him and pushed some of the long strands away from his forehead before kissing his brow.

Jared was so excited; his hands came up and pulled Jensen’s head to his greedily. He kissed sloppily, tasting like beer and a little like pot.

“Get a room,” somebody, probably Chris, called, as a projectile came zooming through the air.

Jensen pulled back. “How about we do that?”

Jared just grinned. “Yes, please.”

Jensen pulled Jared up out of the sand; wolf whistles from the cousins followed them as they moved away from the group. Jensen flipped them off and took his unsteady boyfriend away towards the guesthouse where they were staying.

::

“You’re a hard person to carry up the stairs,” Jensen said as Jared tugged at his shirt and sloppily kissed his neck.

Drunk Jared was very handsy, as Jensen well knew, but drunk, handsy Jared was nearly impossible to sneak down the hallway to their bedroom. But he managed it, running into only one aunt.

“Your shirt is broken,” Jared said uselessly tugging at Jensen’s shirt, which refused to unbutton under Jared’s not so dexterous hands.

He pouted so pretty that Jensen felt it in his toes.

Jensen sat him on the bed and began to remove his own shirt.

“Hmm,” Jared said licking his lips. 

“You want a strip tease?” Jensen teased, slowly pulling the shirt off.

Jared grinned and nodded enthusiastically. “I want to watch you get all naked. I want you to help me. I want you to be in me.”

Jensen froze and his breath caught in his throat. They had played around this subject, but they hadn’t breached it totally. Jensen wanted to, but he wasn’t going to push it.

“I want you to be the first,” Jared said. “And now you love me because it is okay, so now it is okay for you to do it.”

Jared looked up at him, as always so ready for something he didn’t know, waiting for Jensen to show him how to do it, trusting Jensen explicitly. That kind of faith made Jensen unable to say no, it crawled under his skin along side the constant wanting that went along with Jared.

“Please?” Jared asked huskily, breathing heavily at the weight of Jensen’s stare.

Jensen was on him, pulling at his clothes, sucking his collarbone, nipping at his bony shoulder. Jared’s breath was already coming hard.

“I’ll make it so good,” Jensen promised, reaching for Jared’s belt.

“I know,” Jared said happily. “God, I want you so much.”

Jensen shucked him of his clothes and their bodies pressed together, skin on skin, hard cocks teasing each other.

“I want you,” Jared said again, reaching up Jensen’s back, pulling them together so there wasn’t anything between them.

Jensen tried to hold onto what little coordination he still had because Jared’s clumsy touches were already making him lose his mind. Jensen had no idea how he was going to get in him with any kind of finesse and last more than a second.

But he sure as hell was going to give it the best try he could.

::

It had been the most explosive moment of Jensen’s life. Jared had been so wanting, so out of his mind, his mouth babbling over with dirty talk that he usually held back. Jared’s fingerprints were bruises on Jensen’s back. Jensen’s lips and shoulder’s were bitten with Jared sized bites, and when Jared had come Jensen so far beyond being able to hold on any longer. He was very sure that the top of his head had blown off.

He didn’t know how he was ever going to move again.

Conversely, Jared was one of those people who wanted to climb Everest after an orgasm.

It was just Jensen’s luck that, after he had expended every ounce of patience that he had to make Jared’s first time excellent, Jared was ready to fly to the moon with the power of his own enthusiasm. 

“That was awesome,” Jared glowed. “Can we do that again?”

Jensen was face down in the mattress, dead. 

“Sure. Start without me,” Jensen mumbled into the mattress. “I’ll catch up.”

Jared laughed and got up and began to do push-ups.

Jensen was barely able to move his head enough to look over at Jared. “You are drunk, and probably a little stoned, you had a dick in your ass for the first time and you’re doing push-ups?”

“Aww baby,” Jared laughed, huffing through his push-ups. “You always give the sweetest pillow talk.”

“You can go run around the courts,” Jensen said, moving face down again. “Tire yourself out.”

That was when the push-ups stopped. Jared didn’t move and Jensen managed to move his head to make sure that Jared hadn’t dropped dead.

“You’re really, really rich and powerful,” Jared said, staring off into space. “I just had sex with you with five hundred ears of your rich and powerful family listening.”

“I hope I don’t have that many family members,” Jensen replied sleepily.

Jared moved to peer over the edge of the bed and poked him in the shoulder. “Stop quipping. You got me drunk because you knew it was the only way that I would have sex with you in this house.”

Jensen lifted his head and looked at him seriously, one hand cupping Jared’s cheek. “You regret it?”

“No!” Jared exclaimed immediately. “That part was beyond awesome, and once you get feeling back in your body you are going to do it again.”

“Stop rewriting history then,” Jensen told him with a yawn. “You got scared of my grandmother and got drunk and stoned and made me do a strip tease.” 

Jensen went back to being face down and was almost asleep, and Jared finally crawled back into bed.

“I voted for your father,” Jared said randomly, obviously continuing a conversation that Jensen was unaware of ever having. “He’s somebody who grew up hearing about and now today he was asking me what classes I’m taking and about my family, and not in that superficial surface way. Your uncle, who is a senator I’ve seen on TV, told me that he could get me a summer internship, last minute, at Boston’s top brokerage. Your cousins have had scandals all over the world and they’re all here, and I’m pretty sure one of them brought a prince home.”

“I’d like to say that it doesn’t usually happen, but I would be lying,” Jensen said with a sigh, expecting Jared to suddenly star fuck him or pull away.

Instead Jared just snuggled into him and made a face.

“Really, sometimes I expect to wake up from this fairy tale,” Jared informed him. “I really thought when I came out at fifteen that my life was over. However, I met a handsome prince and I’m just going to keep dreaming and embrace this until it ends.”

“Will you really?” Jensen asked, pulling Jared into him, totally relieved.

“Yep,” Jared said. “Don’t worry--you are far from perfect. You are totally a beast in the morning, you’re completely unreachable when you open your books, and I think that you are the world’s biggest slob.”

“I think you’re exaggerating,” Jensen grumbled sleepily, after all the adrenaline and worry was fading he found that he was totally exhausted.

“I think I’m getting to know you, Jensen Ackles,” Jared said kissing his forehead. “And this is my fairy tale, don’t shit on it. Can I tell you I love you yet?”

Jensen curled into him. “Yeah, let’s be in love.”

:: 

 

“So now I’m bored,” Chris said, strumming his guitar, making notes on a paper in front of him.

“What a thing to say about your latest composition,” Jensen said, turning a page in his book.

“Asshole, this is going to be the ultimate fusion of rock and Mozart,” Chris informed him. “Fucking epic. What I’m bored with is that all summer I’ve been here and you have been doing that thing you do at a law firm.”

“I’m an intern for an appellate court,” Jensen said.

Chris paused and looked up. “Yeah, and I’m still not even sure what that is. I went into music so I wouldn’t have to know these things you know. So as I was saying you are doing that and he comes home from whatever he does--and yes, I know he is interning at Uncle Mark’s consulting firm--and you order dinner and talk about your days, grinning like loons and then I have to leave so you can have your loud crazy monkey sex. It is so boring for me.”

“I am beginning to think that you may have unrealistic expectations of me,” Jensen informed him. “What did I ever do to make you think that I’m ever going to amuse you? Do you expect me to suddenly wake up and be a different, livelier person?”

Chris looked at him for a second then spoke slowly. “One day you are pretty much the poster child for isolation and the next day you have a fully formed relationship sprung from nothing. If I didn’t love you so much I would hate you.”

Jensen tapped his pen against his book and stared off into space.

“Am I wrong?” Chris said slowly. “Is there trouble that you aren’t telling me about?”

Jensen shook his head. “No, it’s perfect, he’s perfect, but he hasn’t really dated all that much. I’m really the first guy who wasn’t some furtive thing in the closet. Some days it doesn’t seem all that fair. I mean I just feel as if we shouldn’t be this serious. He is going to be a sophomore. You’re the one who keeps telling me that normal means having all these debauched experiences.”

Chris looked at him oddly. “You pick now to start listening to me?”

“Just tell me I think too much,” Jensen said with a laugh.

Chris didn’t smile back. “He’s green, but he’s smart as hell. You two do pretty well together.”

Jensen thought about it for a second, because that really wasn’t the reassuring answer he was looking for. He noticed that Chris was looking for some kind of response.

“You know that wasn’t an answer,” Jensen told him.

Chris looked at him. “I didn’t know that you seriously started to listen to me.”

:::

Jensen started law school and was buried under books. Jared was taking a heavy course load. They spent a lot of time together studying. Jared had to laugh at how easy it was to stare at Jensen now that they were dating. It got in the way, but not too much.

“So, one of my professors was very impressed that I interned at Mark’s company,” Jared said. 

Jensen looked up from one of his books, Jared peered at this book.

“You know my stuff is pretty stiff, but I’m so glad that I don’t have to commit all that shit to memory,” Jared said.

Jensen just looked at him. “You going to tell me what is going on? Small talk is your tell that you’re nervous. Did you decide that you really aren’t gay and you’re leaving me for Paris Hilton?”

Jared gasped. “Hush your mouth.”

“So speak,” Jensen said.

Jared grinned, a whole lot less pensive. “Well, here is the thing, I know that it is only September, but you always have a lot going on, you have a whole bunch of family things, but I talked to my mom and she was wondering if you wanted to come home for Christmas with me. I mean, I know she thinks it is the only way I’ll come home, but my parents really want to meet you.”

“You’re bouncing around like a puppy because of that?” Jensen asked.

“It’s a big deal,” Jared said softly.

Jensen wanted to both laugh and cry at Jared’s enthusiasm.

“You’ve met mine,” Jensen said with a smile. “You’ve met the whole gaggle of my family.”

“I’ve never brought anyone home before,” Jared said softly.

Jensen leaned forward and interlaced their fingers.

“You’re the first person I brought home,” Jensen said. “And I want to be the first person that you bring home.”

Jared dimpled. “Momma makes the best pie and we don’t have wings or anything to our house, but it is nice enough. We have a little hot tub in the back yard and we can sit in it and watch the stars.”

Jensen grinned. “You had me at pie.”

“Good, now shut up,” Jared said turning to his book. “You’re really getting in the way of me studying.”

:::

“Your boyfriend is a genius,” Chad announced, bringing the table a round of shots.

Chris had dragged Jensen to the bar, saying that Chad and Jared wanted him there. Chris knew that Jensen was a goner from the moment he invoked Jared’s name. 

Jared looked down and blushed.

“This dude just got a fucking A on Pratt’s midterm,” Chad went on. “Nobody has ever done that. They even went as far as to mildly suggest that he was cheating. He aced Pratt’s midterm and the entire economics class is buzzing.”

Jensen looked at Jared a little shocked.

“Really?” Jensen asked. “I thought you were failing.”

Jared smiled. “I am terrible at gauging myself.”

“I’d say,” Chris muttered. “However, it is common with us geniuses.”

Jensen raised an eyebrow. “That really has no right to be as sexy as you are making it.”

Jared looked up his eyes luminous. “I’m so getting laid tonight.”

Jensen leaned in. “You are so getting laid tonight.”

:::

They rode high through the crunch of finals and the agony of the lack of sleep. At one point Jensen thought that the success of their entire relationship was based on the fact that during finals they were both inaccurately insecure, yet never needy. They would plunk down and get done what they needed to get done, passing each other oranges and power bars occasionally, when they remembered.

After finals they let Chris and Chad bring them out. They were wasted in Boston; even Josh came out to toast to another successful semester. Jared couldn’t keep his hands off Jensen and Jensen always managed to stay within hands reach.

“Dear lord,” Josh said sighing. “You two are terrible.”

Jensen swayed a little on his feet and grinned. “Ain’t we just.”

Soon enough it was time to leave for San Antonio. Jensen’s parents had been sad that they weren’t going to be going to Colorado with them for skiing, but they managed not to lay on the guilt too thickly.

It was on the plane that Jensen noticed a change come over Jared, who had been so enthusiastic since the end of finals.

Jared became jittery and quiet as the flight stretched on.

“We’re actually pretty modest,” Jared said as their plane touched down. “We don’t have a lot of money.”

Jensen laced their fingers together. “Jared, I’m not the kind of person who is that much of a snob.”

“I know,” Jared said quietly. “It just isn’t going to be the compound. Hell, your apartment with Chris is nicer. I just want you to know.”

“Do your parents know?” Jensen asked. “Who I am.”

“Yeah,” Jared said slowly. “I told them I was brining home my boyfriend and they wanted to know all about you. Mom has been cleaning for weeks.”

Jensen just smiled at him. “I’m sure that your parents will be very sweet.”

When they got off the plane the initial introductions were very awkward. Jared’s mother was fidgeting and his father was just staring. It was only Jared’s sister who rolled her eyes.

“Mother, if you curtsey I will die of shame,” Megan said.

“Megan,” Sharon said, looking scandalized.

Jensen smiled and shook Gerry’s hands. “It is nice to meet you, sir.”

Gerry smiled. “Call me Gerry.”

Jensen smiled at Sharon and she gave him a hug, Jensen was a little taken aback, but he managed to keep the smooth voice.

“Thanks for having me in your home,” Jensen said. “I’m looking forward to eating your cooking. If Jared is anything to go by, it must be top shelf.”

Sharon blushed.

Then Jensen turned back to Jared’s father “And I know that you will probably have trouble with your son bringing home a Maverick’s fan, but I feel that we may be able to find some common ground.”

Jared’s father barked a laugh.

Megan just looked at Jensen, he winked at her and she smiled back automatically.

Jared just stared at the calm, cool, smooth guy who was wrapping his family around his fingers. He trailed after Jensen and his family. His mother’s hand was in the crook of Jensen’s arm and his father was being drawn into conversation.

Jared just watched this new guy.

Megan trod along with Jared. 

“He’s quite a guy,” Megan said, eyes the size of saucers. She turned and looked at him. “What the hell is he doing with you?”

Jared shoved her but he was wondering the same thing.

::

“You will be in Josh’s room, Jensen,” Sharon said, looking at them, hesitantly. “We made Josh do this before he was married--this is a kid thing, not a gay thing.”

She sounded like she was apologizing.

Jensen gave her that smile.

Jared didn’t know what to do.

He walked to his bedroom, threw his bag on the bed, and heard his mother going downstairs.

He stormed to Jensen’s room.

“Who are you?” Jared asked. “You just charmed your way into my family in like two seconds. When did you get charming?”

Jensen paused, he had just fallen into it. He forgot that Jared hadn’t seen him out, didn’t know the public persona. Jared had never gone with him to events, rarely was in a situation that he’d have to.

“They like me,” Jensen defended, falling into being just Jensen once again.

“They like whoever that was,” Jared replied.

They squared off for a second and then Jensen stepped forward.

“Jared,” Jensen said quietly. “You make me laugh, and that is no easy feat. You get me to have fun and eat. Did you ever think that maybe you’re my prince charming?”

Jared looked at him a little disbelievingly.

“I want them to like me,” Jensen mumbled, looking down, tracing the quilt. “They’re your family. I know how to make people like me, genuinely. It is something I can do. I’ve been the governor’s son for a long time and an Ackles for my entire life. I want them to like me because I like you so much, I did it the way I knew would work.”

Jared looked down at the ground and stubbed his toe on the ground.

“I like them,” Jensen said softly. “Your mom is really sweet, your dad has the driest sense of humor, and your kid sister is sharp. I’m so grateful that they don’t mind that you are bringing home a guy, that they take me in like I’m another person their child is dating. It really is amazing. You love them and I want them to approve.”

Jared looked at him and then leaned into kiss him, they both needed reassurance.

Jared just felt like in this moment he needed it more.

::

Jared felt like his skin was too small. He began to notice things in his house. The carpet in the living room was threadbare in places, the linoleum in the kitchen was peeling, and the stairs squeaked.

Then there was Jensen who was suddenly ‘on’ most the time. There was no other word for it. He was charming and nice and self-deprecating, but he was different from the Jensen that Jared had spent nearly a year with. 

Jensen had a wall up and he was acting.

Jared was a weird combination of angry and scared. He didn’t even understand what these emotions were connected to, just that his entire family adored this Jensen, the shiny one, and Jared just didn’t understand the image when he knew and loved the reality so much.

Things between them were a little strained, they focused on the family instead of each other, kind of glad to be going to separate beds at the night.

On Christmas Eve Jared and Jensen sat in the hot tub, looking up at the stars.

Jared was poking at where the liner was peeling. He was pretty sure that the glorified kiddie pool with bubbles was nothing too impressive to Jensen.

“Why are you sulking?” Jensen finally asked.

Jared looked up and the firm lines of ‘parent Jensen’ were relaxed.

“Why are you different?” Jared asked.

“What do you mean?” Jensen replied, brow creased.

“You’re different when you are with my parents, different from when you are with your family, or with Chris, or me,” Jared said, frustrated. “I don’t know what I mean, but why are you different?”

Jensen leaned back and looked up at the stars, thinking. His hands treaded through the water and the only sounds were the cicadas and the bubbles in the hot tub.

“I don’t know,” Jensen said finally. “I don’t know how to do anything else.”

“You do with me,” Jared implored, moving closer to Jensen. “Is it because you were drunk? Did I just end up with you because it was easier, because it just happened?”

“No,” Jensen said, grabbing for him, needing the contact. “They look at me like I’m the governor’s son, the Ackles kid. You don’t, you never did. That is why I like you. You only see me as me.”

Jared looked at him in the moonlight: freckles, those green eyes so open.

“I’m just Jensen to you,” Jensen said softly. “I don’t know how to be everything everybody wants me to be, everything I want to be. With you I don’t have to be anything but me.”

The words were whispered and Jared kissed him. 

He wished Jensen could see himself through Jared’s eyes when it was just the two of them. Jensen was smart and funny, he was awesome. He was going to be more than most people could ever hope to be.

Jared kissed him because he didn’t know how to put into words was that Jensen was everything and he was so goddamned jealous of how Jensen could be. It was light years beyond anything he knew how to be.

He was terrified of so many things, so he did what was natural, what was comfortable and familiar. He slipped his hands under the water and tugged at Jensen’s shorts.

Jensen let out a moan, “We can’t. Your parents are upstairs.”

It wasn’t very convincing.

Jared knew he wasn’t scared of getting naked in the hot tub; that was something that he could do. That was something he could do.

He slipped his hand into Jensen’s shorts and found him half-hard. Jensen buried his head in Jared’s neck to stifle a moan.

What Jared was scared of was shiny perfect Jensen. That Jensen was beyond anything that Jared understood. That Jensen was smart and funny and Jared didn’t think that he could keep up That Jensen was so far above him that Jared didn’t know how he was even going to touch him.

Jensen’s hand slipped into Jared’s trunks, and for a moment Jared could forget that he expected it all to implode. They kissed like they wanted to crawl into each other’s skin.

Jensen pulled away suddenly. “We can’t, your parents are right there.”

Jared swallowed. He knew that they both wanted this, he knew that his parents were asleep, he knew that this was a perfect moment.

But he pushed that all down, because Jensen had his reasons. Jensen gave him that full on smile and he suddenly felt warm in his stomach as Jensen stroked his cheek.

But it wasn’t more than a second before the fear came again.

He knew that one day Jensen was going to realize that he wasn’t enough.

:::

“You’re doing it wrong!” Megan said, taking a present out of Jared’s hands.

“That’s mine, brat!” Jared said, leaping after her.

Jensen sat back with Sharon, watching them.

“I’ve missed him,” Sharon sighed. “I miss having the kids around. Jeff has to work today and I only get Jared for a few more days. But I’m glad he is going on in life.”

Sharon sat up straight and looked at Jensen. “Sorry, just an old woman mourning the changes in life.”

Jared reached out and took her hand. He was going to try to be real Jensen if it killed him.

“It’s sweet,” Jensen said softly. “My mom said pretty much the same thing when I told her that I was coming here. You would think that I just disowned her.”

“Oh, Jensen,” Sharon said. “You should have gone home.”

Jensen looked over at where his boyfriend, clad in plaid pajama pants and a Teenaged Mutant Ninja Turtles t-shirt, was giving his little sister a noogie.

“No, Sharon,” Jensen said softly. “I had to be here. With him.”

She looked at him with a huge smile. “He’s pretty great, isn’t he? He’s got my eyes but sometimes I don’t know if he is even mine. He’s just too amazing.”

Jensen sat back and began to talk quietly with Sharon about Jared, about their lives together.

“What is this?” Jared wandered over with an open card in his hand.

Jensen shrugged. “My family’s Christmas present.”

“We’re going to Barbados for New Year’s?” Jared said, his eyes wide.

Jensen shrunk back a little, not knowing how to make that sound normal in this normal everyday suburban house.

“It’s my cousin’s place,” Jensen said quietly. “We leave in two days.”

Jensen looked over at Sharon who was staring at the sweater in a box at Jensen’s feet. It was a hand knitted sweater that she had made for Jensen.

“Come February in Boston we’ll see which was a better present,” Jensen tried positively.

Jared just looked at his feet, but Sharon gave him a grateful smile.

“You’re a good boy, Jensen,” she said softly.

Jensen closed his eyes, because in that moment she had looked right at him. He thought about what Jared had said. He was putting on a front for the Padaleckis. He had no idea what he was under the name and the brains and the family. With Jared it was okay, but Jared’s mother was looking at him like he was a real boy. 

It was scaring the shit out of him.

Because that was something he wasn’t sure how to be.

::

For the entire visit to San Antonio, Jensen and Jared’s relationship was a little strained. 

It was only when they were on a plane bound for Barbados that things eased. Jared reached out and took Jensen’s hand.

“I’ve never been outside of the US,” Jared confessed. “Never really been beyond Texas until I went to school. Well, I went to my grandparents’ in Arizona during the summers.”

Jensen looked over at him, confused. “But Chad sent you your passport all wrapped up like a real present, I am assuming because Chris told him.”

Jared looked down at their intertwined hands. “I got it in October. Chad found out I didn’t have one and he made me get it. He thought it was disgraceful that I didn't have one.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Jensen said, trying not to sound a little wounded.

Jared looked down and mumbled. “Didn’t think it would be a big deal to you.”

Jensen laughed. Jared looked up startled because he knew Jensen wasn’t laughing at him, but he had no idea what Jensen was laughing at.

“Remember the time you realized my refrigerator was basically a really cold empty closet?” Jensen said. “You took me grocery shopping. I’m kind of embarrassed to say I’d never been. I’ve gone in for a meal, but that was the first time I had to think about what I wanted in my house. Honestly, I love grocery shopping--listening to you tell me about finding the best deal. I’m giddy every time you take me, same thing with going down to my laundry room and washing my own clothes.”

Jared got a stunned look on his face. “But you aren’t spoiled, how have you never done your own laundry before, or gone grocery shopping?”

Jensen shrugged. “I just haven’t. I didn’t want you to look at me like that, so I didn’t tell you. I like doing it, I’ve even started to do it without you. It takes a lot of time, but it is really fun.”

“Not surprising,” Jared noted wryly. “You are a control freak. I’m assuming you are positively shining about doing it yourself.”

“Every time I do it, I feel like maybe I’m a grown up, maybe I’m a real person,” Jensen said, a little embarrassed. “So I get that getting your passport is kind of a big deal.”

Jared sat back and thought about it. “I feel like we’re growing as people.”

They both started snickering. They curled up together like they hadn’t been able to for a week and snoozed the rest of the way to the Caribbean.

::

 

When they got to the house they were downright comfortable together.

“So shabby,” Jared sighed, throwing his bag across the room. “First your parents don’t splurge for first class-“ 

“There was no first class,” Jensen pointed out.

“Now we’re in this hovel,” Jared sighed, falling down on the large overstuffed couch in a beach house that was as big as his parents’ house and decorated with furniture that Jared didn’t want to touch for fear that he would break it and not make enough money in his lifetime to replace it.

Jensen fell on top of him.

“We have five beautiful days in paradise,” Jensen said, nipping at his ear lobe. “I’m going to take you into the bedroom and fuck you silly; take my time, make you all boneless and wanting.”

All the blood in Jared’s body stopped circulating properly and flowed directly into his dick.

Jensen pulled away and looked into Jared’s stunned face. “We might get out of bed at some point in the next five days, but we have no family, no jobs, no school--nothing to do but be really, really naughty.”

“You are so on,” Jared said huskily.

Jensen got up and pulled him to the bed.

::

“You are terrible at this naked thing,” Jared grumbled as they sat in the sun. He had just gotten back from the water, shaking water out of his hair as Jensen watched him over his sunglasses.

Jared was naked as the day he was born.

“I’m not really a naked guy,” Jensen told him.

Jared sighed. “That is a shame for the world and even more for me.”

He reached out and tugged on Jensen’s shorts.

“Jen-sen,” Jared said. “Be naked with me.”

Jensen held on to his pants.

“You don’t even walk around the house naked,” Jared whined. “You pull up your boxers when you go to the bathroom, like some sort of virgin. But some of those things that you do just before you run away really assure me that you aren’t a virgin.”

Jensen glared at him. “Years of decorum. I want to be ready if anyone is watching; you never know.”

Jared pursed his lips testily. “You are far too paranoid.”

“I’m practical,” Jensen said.

“Sure,” Jared said picking up a tube of suntan lotion. “Can I apply this liberally to your back in a slightly lascivious manner or do you think that is far too scandalous?”

“Are you going to cop a feel?” Jensen asked, trying to shake the discomfort.

“You have a very grabbable ass,” Jared informed him. “I may have to take liberties.”

Jensen laughed and flipped over to his stomach and told himself that this was okay. “I’ll risk it.”

Jared straddled him thighs and leaned over and nipped at Jensen’s earlobe. “How much are you freaking out right now? A very naked guy straddling your waist out here in the open? I need you to forget about that. Just relax. Think how nice it is to have a boyfriend.”

Jensen let out a little shudder at the mention of boyfriend.

“Boyfriends are good,” Jensen muttered as Jared’s fingers dug into his shoulder, then he moved to look back at Jared. “A boyfriend should realize that I burn and that he needs to put some lotion on evenly.”

Jared laughed and tried to be more practical about what he was doing. “Why the hell didn’t we do this last summer? I remember your family has a place near the water.”

“Rain on the fourth, and we we’re busy with jobs,” Jensen said with a little moan. “We’re idiots.”

“Yes, we are,” Jared said, getting up.

Jensen looked over at his skinny, tall boyfriend. “Good thing you’re pretty.”

“You’re funny,” Jared laughed. “So, naked now?”

“No, I think we’ve pushed far enough for now,” Jensen told him.

“Prude,” Jared teased. “Get some sun and then can we go inside and get naked?”

Jensen let out a mock sigh. “If you insist.”

::

In their five days in Barbados Jared couldn’t get Jensen naked in public, but Jensen showed him plenty of naked in private. He also was able to get Jensen cuddly, which usually happened only when it was dark and Jensen had had a few drinks. On New Year’s Eve they were wrapped around each other all night, happy, tanned, and on top of the world.

They were young and in love and so happy.

That was when the photographers showed up.

::

“We should have stayed in Barbados,” Jared grumbled, picking up their bags from the conveyor belt. “It is cold here. I bet a few more days and you would have been prancing on the beach wearing nothing but a smile.”

“Ackles,” a random person said, coming up with a camera behind him. “Jensen, is that your boyfriend? Are you gay?”

Jared stopped in his tracks, wide eyed, and looked at Jensen. His Jensen was gone, that smooth character in place. Jared had never been gladder to see that persona. 

Some random person asking very personal questions was out of line and intrusive but the questions kept coming. Jensen grabbed his hand and muttered into his shoulder.

“They can’t touch us, just keep walking. Ignore them.”

Jared held on to him and watched as flashes happened around him. They were the center of attention. Everybody was staring.

Jared held on to Jensen’s hand. In the back of his head, Jared checked off all the people that he knew just to make sure that they knew he was gay, because Jared was completely sure that these were paparazzi. He had come out in high school; he was sure of who he was. He loved his boyfriend. He was sure of his life. He had to tell himself over and over because he felt like he was being ripped naked.

The people around them were yelling. 

Jared was dumbstruck and never happier to get into a car than when Jensen slid him in the back of a town car that had been sent for them. He got into the car and put his head between his knees.

Jensen rubbed his back.

“Are you okay?” Jensen asked softly.

“Fine,” Jared bit out. “I was kicked in the balls by a girlfriend when I told her I was gay. This kind of feels like that.”

Jensen put his arm around Jared’s shoulder. 

“It is okay,” Jensen said, pulling out his phone. “They’re like vultures, they’ll forget about us in a few days. Just keep your head down. Don’t respond to anything that they say. It will be okay. I’m going to call Josh; he’ll be able to hook something up.”

Jared just nodded.

“Hey, baby brother,” Josh answered. “How are you?”

“Tell me,” Jensen said, not letting go of Jared.

“They snapped pictures like crazy. You’re in the weekly rags,” Josh said tiredly. “You are now the family drama.”

“What did they get?” Jensen asked.

“A few of you wasted on New Year’s, making out with Jared,” Josh said gently. “And one of Jared buck naked coming out of the water.”

“Oh,” Jensen said, kissing the back of Jared’s neck.

“I’m going to get you some guys to do some sweeps,” Josh said. “You know the usual.”

“Okay,” Jensen said in a small voice, seeing only Jared who was wrecked. “I’m so sorry,” Jensen said to both Josh and Jared.

Jared didn’t respond.

“For going on vacation with your boyfriend?” Josh said laughing. “Yeah that is something totally out of hand.”

Jared looked up finally and mouthed the words, ‘It’s okay.’

Jensen looked at Jared. “You’re not mad.”

Jared shook his head.

“I love you,” Josh said. “I know who you are.”

“Where is the but?” Jensen said tiredly, the good mood from vacation completely gone.

“Jensen, you know I would never use you for political gain,” Josh told him.

“Josh, are you apologizing to me?” Jensen asked.

“You’re on the cover of some tabloids with the title ‘Gay Scandal’,” Josh told him. “I’m sorry that you are out there, but let me tell you it isn’t going to hurt me any to announce that I’m not ashamed of my perfect little baby brother. I’m going to make a statement, with your approval, and I’m going to laugh in their faces. You were drunk on New Year’s with your boyfriend, who I’m sure that they will point out is nineteen, which is legal there. He was naked, which is also legal there, and my lovely wife now has a crush on your boyfriend and said, and I quote, ‘There needs to be more naked Jared’, whatever that means. So, basically, you were on a romantic vacation with your committed boyfriend. I think this is the first time in the history of the universe that this has happened. It is so within the realm of acceptability it hurts me a little. I’ve gotta tell you, your scandals are so lame. Chris is going to tell you the same thing when you call him next.”

“Oh,” Jensen said quietly.

“We have your back, the family,” Josh said. “Let me do damage control. It will be boring and they’ll go away. I promise. Keeping it a secret is going to make it worse, you know that. You know the only way to be right is to be open and out loud. I know this, you know this. I will take care of you. Just let me.”

“Let me talk to Jared,” Jensen said.

“Anything you want,” Josh said.

Jensen hung up the phone and looked at Jared.

Jared looked at his fear-filled eyes and just gave the best grin he could. “Guess now we live out loud, eh?”

Jensen didn’t realize it, but he must have given some sigh of relief.

“Baby,” Jared said softly. “Do you really think that I’d have any other reaction?”

Jensen shrugged. “I keep waiting for the bottom to fall out.”

“It might,” Jared said practically. “It probably won’t.”

“I love you,” Jensen told him. “On no uncertain terms.”

“Well, that is a relief,” Jared said wryly.

Jensen sat back.

After a moment Jared put on the strongest smile he could; it was so fake it nearly broke Jensen’s heart.

“My mother is so going to put this on the fridge,” Jared sighed.

Jensen didn’t let go.

:::

That was the first time. 

The second time Jared was in one of his classes, trying to finish a test. The third time he was working out. The fourth time they were going to the library.

The magazines were awash with them: hot, young, and gay. It was an internet sensation, it was a tabloid sensation. Jensen was an Ackles, Jared was normal, people were oddly fascinated by them and their lives. The press was making it into some kind of fairy tale.

Jensen and Jared stopped counting the times that the press were waiting outside their doors.

They stopped thinking that their life was a fairy tale, because it wasn’t under the harsh glare of flashbulbs.

Jared stopped talking as much because he didn’t know who was listening. It seemed like everyone always was. Those who weren’t listening were staring. He had never wanted to be the center of attention, but now he was, all the time.

:::

They tried to live like they had no secrets. Jared felt most days like he didn’t have enough skin to cover himself.

Josh’s campaign was going full blast and Jared accompanied Jensen to most of the events.

“Jen,” Chris said grabbing Jensen’s arm. He was talking to an aunt when Chris hauled him to the other side of the fundraiser. “Get your boy. Crawford has him cornered and the fucker has the ‘nice’ look on his face.”

Jensen looked over at Jared, who was talking animatedly.

“Fuck, Jensen said.

Chase Crawford was kind of a cousin. He was the son of one of their grandfather’s bastards. Grandpa Ackles had taken Chase in when he was young, so Chase thought of himself as one of the more important family members. He always introduced himself as Chase Ackles Crawford.

Jensen found him pompous and Chris just called him a douche bag, especially when he used to follow them around as children.

He was a dick, plain and simple. He always like to point out how uncultured people were, how much below ‘us’ other people were.

Jensen crossed the room and curled up to Jared.

“Hey, baby,” Jensen said.

Jared looked down happily at him.

“Jared was just telling me about your little Christmas,” Chase said pointedly. “He was telling me all about your trip to the Olive Garden as per Padalecki family tradition. What a classy Christmas Eve.”

Jensen held Jared tighter, as Jared looked confused.

“He also talked to the governor,” Chase said, clicking his tongue.

Jared suddenly looked dumbstruck.

“Wanna go home, baby?” Jensen said with no malice, looking at Chris. Chris had the look on his face that said he was going to maim Chase a little bit. Grandma loved Jared and didn’t like Chase so much, so Chris could probably get away with it.

They were in the car when Jared looked at Jensen.

“I’m sorry,” Jared said in a small voice. “I don’t know exactly what I did wrong, but I think I did something wrong. I can do better, I promise. I just don’t know what I did.”

Jensen’s heart tore a little. He put his hand on Jared’s knee and Jared put on of his big mitts on top. Jensen pulled the car over.

He looked at Jared.

“Jared,” Jensen said looking at Jared, cupping his face. “You did absolutely nothing wrong. I adore you, everyone adores you.”

Jared blinked and looked so lost. “Then, what? What is wrong with the Olive Garden?”

“Nothing, baby,” Jensen said. “Chase is a dick. He’s an asshole--he doesn’t mean anything to the family.”

“But everyone outside of the family doesn’t know that,” Jared pointed out astutely.

“I love you,” Jensen said, pulling him in for a kiss.

Jensen tried to seal the riff with a kiss. Jared kissed back, needy and hurting, holding onto Jensen.

:::

Jensen didn’t say anything. He made sure that Jared knew how much he loved him, appreciated him. Jared was so responsive. So happy when they were alone.

But Jensen would catch him, when Jared didn’t think that he was looking, and the kid would look like he was in pain, steeling himself for something else.

Every time it was like a kick to the gut.

:::

Jensen got a call from his mother.

“Jensen,” she said smoothly and Jensen knew that things were not going to go well. “There is no shame in bringing Jared home to your Grandmother for awhile. I know that when I first met your father I needed some polishing and my background was more refined than Jared’s.”

“Jared is perfect,” Jensen said hurriedly.

“I know, honey,” she said smoothly. “Everybody adores Jared. We want you to keep Jared. I love him and I love him with you. We wouldn’t offer this if we didn’t like him. This is just a little help when he’s not with you. Just some polish.”

“You aren’t polishing Jared,’ Jensen said defiantly. “I like him the way he is.”

“Honey,” his mother began.

“No,” Jensen said. “I will not make him feel badly about what he is. He won’t understand it. He is perfect. I adore him. I won’t throw him to the wolves.”

“Jensen,” his mother said softly. “If you don’t let us help, you will be.”

:::

Jensen showed up outside of Chad’s class.

Chad looked at him and then looked behind him.

“Where is the paparazzi?” Chad asked snidely. “Where are the douche bag cousins?”

Jensen steeled himself.

“It’s not like that. He’s happy with me. He is always smiling,” Jensen began.

Chad glared at him. “Of course he is. He’s trying so hard but he feels like he is coming up nothing. He tries like hell when it comes to you, so of course he’s smiling, but when you’re not around he looks like he’s dying inside.”

Jensen nodded.

“I thought so,” Jensen said sadly.

Chad looked at him for a moment. 

“If…” Jensen started. “I mean, I’m sorry. I might…and then maybe…”

Chad sucked in a breath and shook his head. “You two are great you know.”

“Yeah, but it is more than us,” Jensen said. “We don’t exist in a vacuum. It never can be just us.”

Chad closed his eyes. 

“I’m sorry,” Jensen said. “If anything happens…I don’t want you to hate me, but I can’t care if you have to. Just do me a favor, take care of him.”

Chad opened his eyes and watched Jensen leave.

:::

Jensen was glad that this semester was a lighter load, because he suddenly found himself needed for his brother’s campaign. He wanted more than anything just to be anonymous, but his brother was his biggest fan; there was no reason that he couldn’t be his brother’s biggest fan too.

There were interviews, where he tried to keep his personal life personal, but the cat was out of the bag and he found himself very much in the forefront with the media.

“You could come with me?” Jensen said as he looked in his closet for a belt. 

Jared lay on the bed, reading. “Can’t. I have a paper.”

Over the last few months Jensen had been getting more and more comfortable with the spotlight. Jensen knew that this kind of thing existed. He had practically grown up in front of cameras, so he could revert, but gregarious Jared hated it. 

“I have a paper, really,” Jared insisted.

“Okay,” Jensen said slowly, putting on a tie. He knew that Jared hated it. He had gone to a few of the fundraisers, had stood by while Jensen smiled at many people who he knew as friends of friends and other such things.

Jared loved people, talked the ear off of Jensen’s cleaning lady, charmed his family, and had most people in the palm of his hands, but for some reason, when he was forced to socialize, surrounded by people who were slick and fake and very rich, Jared went mute.

Jensen sat on the bed and looked at him with big eyes.

“We’ve been together for almost a year, Jared,” Jensen said. “This is part of me. This is part of what I’ve grown up to be, what I’ve grown up to do. I don’t ask you to be anything you aren’t, but this is part of me.”

Jared put down his book. “Jensen, do you think that maybe you don’t have to?”

Jensen heard the question, heard rocks being thrown at the fortress of their relationship. He swallowed. 

“It’s just--” Jared said, swallowing. “I mean, you’re so busy with school, and on the rare free time that you get you’re helping your brother. I kind of just miss you.”

Jensen fiddled with the ends of his tie. “It’s my family, Jared.”

Jared nodded, he knew that much, knew that they would be part of it all, but knowing was different than experiencing. He got up and knelt before Jensen, Jensen’s eyes were starting to get a little misty.

“You’re nineteen,” Jensen said in a soft voice. “I forget sometimes. You’ve dealt with my family, you’ve dealt with paparazzi, you shouldn’t have to deal with this.”

Jared blinked, hearing what was under Jensen’s voice. When he finally spoke it was soft and raspy.

“You aren’t that much older,” Jared tried.

Jensen shook his head. “I’ve been dealing with this since I was born. This is my life--I was raised for this, groomed for it. I can’t ask this of you anymore.”

“I can handle it,” Jared said quickly.

“I can’t ask you to,” Jensen said quietly.

“I…” Jared began.

Jensen cut him off with a kiss. His hands were caught in the front of Jared’s shirt, fisting so hard he tore the thin material. Jared gave it back, pushing Jensen back, his tongue dipping into Jensen’s mouth, mapping it, claiming all that he was. 

Jared claimed Jensen, hard and fast, with teeth and tongue and lips.

And then Jensen gently pushed him back.

“This is my life,” Jensen said. “I love you, but the paparazzi aren’t going to stop. My family isn’t going to stop. I don’t want to change you, but this isn’t the life for you. The only way to protect you, to give you a normal life is to…”

Jared buried his head in Jensen’s shoulder, speaking and not seeing, hoping that it would stop the words Jensen was going to say. “I don’t care about normal.”

Jensen pulled away and ran his fingers along Jared’s cheekbones.

Jared tugged at Jensen’s tie and slowly began to tie it. Jensen watched his fingers.

Finally when he looked up his eyes were wet and his cheeks were tracked.

“I finally learned to tie one,” Jared said.

Jensen just swallowed the lump in his throat.

Jared sniffed. “We’re breaking up, aren’t we?”

Jensen looked at his tie, perfectly tied. “If you want I can start being a jerk and push you away without you knowing why.”

Jared swallowed. “No, I’ll be much better with this. But maybe after the election, maybe after…”

“After what?” Jensen said softly. “My brother is running for state senate, then he’s either going to go to the governor’s mansion or to the US Senate. Jared, this is a train and you can’t stop the forward motion. This is something I’m a part of. But you have a life here, you have school and your family and you are going to hate me if this keeps going.”

“You don’t know that,” Jared said, sounding small even to himself.

“It looks like a real strong possibility,” Jensen said with regret.

Jared looked at him, ready to argue, then he deflated, tears stopped. “I’ll be gone when you get back.”

 

 

:::

 

Jensen was sullen at his brother’s event. 

“What the hell is with the attitude?” Josh hissed. “You never act like this. Did you get in a fight with Jared?”

Jensen glared at him, but didn’t say anything.

Josh tilted his head. He knew how to read people, and his brother was like an open book to him.

“You broke up with him,” Josh said softly. “For real.”

Jensen looked down and would not meet his brother’s eyes.

“Go home,” Josh said gently. “I have to go raise money and this attitude you’ve got going for you isn’t going to help.”

“Fuck you,” Jensen muttered.

Josh didn’t take the bait. “Go home. I’m calling Chris.”

Jensen opened his mouth to argue, but he really didn’t want to put on the face right now. He walked out of the event without saying goodbye. He had no memory of getting in his car or the route that he took home. He was looking at his door before he came back to reality.

Jensen opened the lock of his door and prayed maybe Jared would still be there. He knew better, but part of him he didn’t know existed thought that maybe Jared would stay. Maybe Jared…

He opened his door. Chris sat on the couch with a bottle of Glenlevit on the coffee table.

As Jensen closed the door Chris poured the alcohol into a cup on the table.

Then Chris pushed over the drink. “He cleaned his stuff out. We break out the good stuff for this kind of thing.”

Jensen sunk down in the couch. “He’s just a kid, Chris.”

Chris raised a glass. “This ain’t no place for him.”

They drank in silence, drinking and not making eye contact. Josh came in after awhile.

The three of them just sat there. Nobody needed to ask if he was sure. Jensen was always sure.

But certainty didn’t make it hurt any less.

:::

Jensen and Chris went to the compound for the Fourth of July, where most of the family was pretty much ready to kill Jensen for his sullen, snide attitude. Chris had pushed him out the door early, much to everyone else’s relief.

The ride back was full of edgy silence, but they parked in the garage and walked through their lobby. Chris stopped to get the mail. There was a box there addressed to Jensen.

Chris raised an eyebrow at the San Antonio return address.

Jensen tried to not let his hands shake as he picked it up; it seemed to get heavier and heavier as he carried it up to their apartment.

Jensen set it on the kitchen block, they both looked at it for a long moment before Jensen sighed and grabbed a knife to open the box

Inside was a sheet of paper, written in Jared’s distinct scrawl.

_I meant to say something that night, before you left, but I couldn’t figure out the words then. The thing is that you are a part of your family, but you are also more. You can be involved with them, but it doesn’t define who you are. You are funny and quirky and your voice is like butter when you sing. That is the guy you are, that is the guy that is pretty damned cool. Don’t ever stop being that guy. Here are some of your things that were in my room._

Jensen peered at the rest of the box’s contents. There was a copy of Kurt Vonnegut’s _Cat’s Cradle_ , one of the few books that Jensen had read for fun, at Jared insistence; a Led Zeppelin shirt that Jared insisted on borrowing to look ‘cool’; U2’s _Joshua Tree_ that Jared loved to sing off key to – an album that and Jensen was pretty sure that he would never be able to listen to again; and a few other things that had found their way into Jared’ stuff. 

Seeing it all was almost as painful as the look on Jared’s face when Jensen had left him.

“It looks like junk,” Chris remarked.

Jensen looked down at the small pile and swallowed around the lump in his throat. 

He pushed the package and stalked to his room, slamming the door between the box and himself, as if that would stop any of it from ever having happened.

:::

The summer was hot and long and Jared had nothing he had to do, so he was taking this time to work out a long dormant rebellious streak. He was angry and hurting.

Jared woke up groggy to the sound of his phone ringing. He looked over at the random guy sleeping next to him in the bed, wherever he was.

He reached around blindly, but when he saw the name on the phone, he didn’t hesitate before connecting the call, as he quickly got out of the bed.

“Hi,” he said closing the bathroom door, he leaned heavily against it.

“I never cared about the stuff,” Jensen said, softly slurring. “I liked most about you the things that weren’t all shiny. I liked that you would taste dessert with your finger first and I liked that you would talk to the help and the guest of honor in the same voice.”

“Jensen,” Jared hissed under his breath.

“No,” Jensen said. “I’ve gotten an earful about how people thought I judged you, but I never did, never. I love you and you are perfect and I don’t want that to change. Be pretty and smart and perfect.”

Jared covered his mouth with a hand, his shoulders shaking from the effort of keeping his tears from falling.

“You’re gonna see some things in the papers,” Jensen said tiredly. “They’re not all going to be true and they don’t mean anything, but it will keep the press off of you. You can go back to normal now.”

Jared opened his mouth, but Jensen spoke first.

“Be happy,” Jensen said, and hung up.

Jared stayed on the bathroom floor with the phone to his ear and his hand stuffed in his mouth for a very long time.

 

:::

Jensen began his second year of law school, praying that he wouldn’t run into Jared so he wouldn’t have to ignore him.

It was a success. He rarely saw hide nor hair of Jared. He would occasionally see Jared across the quad, a head taller than everybody else, but Jared was always far enough away that Jensen didn’t have to figure out what he was going to do.

Jensen had started watching TV, Jared had been a fan of supernatural television, he liked things that couldn’t possibly be real, Jensen would watch it to wrap himself in a cocoon like he could almost feel Jared there. He found himself doing laundry like it was something holy. 

He knew it was weird, but he couldn’t figure out how to stop.

“Chad gave me something,” Chris said coming into Jensen’s room one night.

“Let’s hope it isn’t herpes,” Jensen said mildly. “That shit is for life.”

“Your sense of humor has become wonderfully cynical and crass since your break up,” Chris muttered, throwing down a piece of paper. “Don’t think I don’t appreciate it, but maybe let up every once in awhile; grandma is not pleased.”

Chris left the room and Jensen looked down curiously at the Boston Herald.

There in the financial section was a small column circled in red, five hundreds words max.

_The world runs on the numbers of monies flowing through your fingers and into the world around you. Money is what defines everything, including your mood. You think you have free will, you think that you live in a capitalist society. Think again. I’m going to tell you how the government is defining the flow of your money, and all about the everyday money matters you never think of._

_I don’t know everything, but I’m smart enough to find the answers to what I need to know. The true measure of wisdom is to always stay teachable, I want to challenge you, I want you to challenge me. I want us all to be able to be independent and self-sustaining. Just remember, if one of you becomes the next super billionaire, I just ask that you name me in your memoirs. So from here on in welcome to the ride._

Jensen had to smile sadly, with a little pride. It looked as if Jared was finding his feet. He wanted to call him; he wanted to just tell him how proud he was.

He looked at his cell phone and thought for a long few minutes before grabbing his books and leaving his apartment.

The phone stayed at home, just to be safe.

:::

 

Jared was hunched over his computer when Chad came in. He looked at Jared and sighed.

Jared ignored him.

Chad threw a pillow at his head to get his attention.

“Not that I don’t love the new you, the you who studies and is smart as hell, yet gives us all something to aspire to as the new town whore,” Chad began. “But you don’t look very happy.”

Jared continued to visibly ignore him.

“Hey,” Chad said. “Am I invisible?”

Jared stood up abruptly and turning the computer screen towards Chad before leaving the room.

Chad looked at the screen and groaned. 

On the screen were the latest pictures of Jensen--face calm, cool, and composed on the arm of painfully perfect looking men. Chad didn’t know who it was this week, there had been Hollywood types and men from elite families. 

With his outing and breakup, Jensen had quickly become the most eligible gay bachelor in the public eye. His outing had been spectacular, but any memory of who the young boyfriend a at the time had been had been eclipsed by these flashy new men.

Chad shook his head and got up to walk into Jared’s room.

“He doesn’t look happy either,” Chad told him.

“He can go fuck a horse,” Jared said violently, not looking up.

“Jared…” Chad began.

“No,” Jared said defiantly. “I don’t want to talk about this with you. ”

“That sounds vaguely insulting,” Chad said, his brow furrowed.

“How’s Sophia?” Jared said suddenly. 

Chad rolled his eyes.

“No, really, Chad,” Jared said, finally looking at him. “You drop dates to go watch TV with her, but you won’t just date her even though you’ve been crazy about her forever. You’ve got this stupid plan in your head about how you’re going to win her over at the perfect moment, when the truth is you could be with her right now if you wanted to. So don’t tell me that Jensen doesn’t care about any of those guys, because it doesn’t fucking matter—he’s with them and not with me, and that hurts so much that I feel like I’m dying. I know that I wasn’t ready for anything remotely like Jensen Ackles’ life and I probably never will be, but at least I took the chance that I got and I will live with that agony, knowing I gave it the best I could at the time.”

Jared had tears streaming down his face by the time he was finished.

Chad was looking at him sadly.

“Do you regret it?” Chad asked softly. “Diving in with him? With the way that you feel now, do you regret it?”

The tears still were on his face, but Jared stared steadily at him. “No.”

:::

Jared and Jensen kept apart. 

Jared wrote his articles and Jensen read every single word, kept every column as Jared explored the practical aspects of what he was learning, Jared able to take very complex ideas and apply them to the real world. He made finance accessible to the common people, Jensen was in awe.

Jensen was mesmerized by the man Jared was becoming.

Jared scoured the papers--the political and social pages--for word of Jensen. He had Joshua Ackles’ campaign website bookmarked on his computer.

But they didn’t speak.

:::

Jensen saw Jared clearly one day. There were three girls around him, smiling and laughing. Jensen felt groggy, like he was just waking up. He felt like he had forgotten something.

Jared looked over and caught his eyes. They stood like that, stark still, faces lifeless.

Jensen wanted to stand up and close the distance, but he couldn’t remember who he was, who he was supposed to be. 

He had been living in the persona, he hadn’t been paying attention to himself. At the sight of Jared he wanted to go up and get that fix of normalcy that he always felt when Jared was around.

But Jared walked away, cutting off their momentary connection. Jared walked away and didn’t look back.

Jensen felt like his head was running over and over some idea that he couldn’t quite pick out until it hit him like a ton of bricks in the middle of a family gala at the Margaret Singer Sergeant museum.

He had a pretty guy on his arm, a man from a good family in from New York who. He was sitting at a table, dressed immaculately in designer clothes, the shining beacon of his family.

It was all very storybook.

Jensen was being the perfect date; he had gotten really good at the first two weeks of dating, and he had gotten very good at dumping someone with grace. He was hitting it all.

But at that moment he didn’t want to do it any more. He didn’t have any more of the persona left. Seeing Jared had brought back a portion of himself.

“So do you like these things?” Jensen asked his date, genuinely wanting to know.

His date looked mildly surprised by the question.

“I mean, I kind of like these things,” Jensen said, going on. “There is some layers of bullshit and people who want to put on the show, but I always love the new exhibits that Elise brings in, she really does a good job. You don’t have to like it, but I do. However, I’d much rather be at the game tonight.”

His date studied him for a moment, trying to get a read on him and then just spoke up. “Really? I didn't figure you for the athletic type. You seem so..." 

Jensen laughed and interrupted. "Gay?”

His date looked a little sheepish.

Jensen took pity on him and smiled, but had to add. “I have many sides.”

When Jensen’s date spoke it was slow and hesitant. “I can’t believe I just did that. I hate it when people do that. Since coming out my family thinks that means I can’t like baseball and that I’m loving gallery things. In their eyes I went from jock to theater queen in one conversation. They have trouble seeing beyond the cliché.”

Jensen laughed a little. “So you think that I’m a cliché.”

His date just looked at him.

“Maybe I am a little,” Jensen said. “But why can’t I like both.”

“So you can be the cliché and the exception?” his date asked.

Jensen thought about it and he gave the first real smile in a long time. “Maybe I can just be whatever I want.”

His date laughed. “Show me then.”

Jensen gave him a funny look.

His date shrugged. “I have tickets to the game. They’re on the Green Monster and pretty crappy, but it is the Sox versus the Yankees. I can watch my boys kick your boys asses.”

Jensen made a face.

“What! You are a Ranger fan?” Jensen was teased.

“Guilty,” Jensen said.

“Oh my god,” his date laughed. “You are like the only one in the world. But you live here, so you’re kind of sucked in. Come on, come see your adopted home team.”

Jensen looked around the room; he knew that he was supposed to be here. There were things he had to do.

“I should stay,” Jensen said sadly.

His date leaned in, big blue eyes giving Jensen a look. “Do you always do everything that you think that you should?”

Jensen nodded. “Yes.”

“What do you want to do right now?”

The question was breathy, and Jensen pretty much knew that he could do anything right now, he could ask for the game, he could ask to take this man home, he could ask to stay here. He could have anything.

Part of him had been staying true for Jared. He wanted to be with Jared more than anything, but seeing Jared he realized that he was living for a moment that may never happen.

He lived for his family, he lived for the moment that Jared may be able to handle his life. He lived for all these expectations and most of the time it meant that he hibernated until there was someone else so he could be some role.

Seeing Jared made something wake up and he couldn’t hibernate any more. 

Jensen leaned in and really looked at the guy. 

“I don’t know what I want to do,” Jensen said.

“Well you’ve gotta start moving to figure out where you want to go,” his date said standing up and offering his hand.

Jensen looked at his hand for a moment and then took it to see what would happen next.

:::

Alexis and Hillarie sat on Jared’s bed. Jared moved around the room getting ready. The atmosphere felt something like a funeral.

“Well, at least he is giving dinner before fucking a try,” Alexis pointed out.

Jared looked over at her blankly.

Hillarie stood up and went to straighten Jared’s shirt. “Honey, its like your first date since that thing early sophomore year.”

“Although you’re aiming pretty low,” Alexis continued. “I mean you’re awesome and smart and you are going out with that dumb-as-bricks hockey player from BC?”

“Stop being stereotypical,” Hillarie said positively. “Not all hockey players are dumb.”

Alexis fixed her with a glare. “This one is. I’d almost pick your son-of-a-hippie ex over this one.”

Sophia swept in and threw herself on the bed.

“Alexis making fun of your legendary governor again? The man wears suits and makes a whole lot of money. He isn’t a hippie by anyone’s stretch of the imagination,” she laughed. “You Texas people are hilarious.”

Alexis made a face. “The man passed legislation on… I can’t believe you dated his son.”

“Lexi,” Hillarie sighed. “He’s dating someone--someone who is a hockey player from BC and not a Texas governor’s son. So maybe let’s not speak of people we’ve been trying really hard to get Jared over.”

“Amen sister,” Sophia said

Jared sighed. “Still in the room here. I can hear you talking about Jensen.”

Hillarie glared at Alexis. “See what you did? You made him invoke the ‘Dreaded J’.”

Jared looked at the mirror and put on a smile.

“Guys, it’s okay,” Jared said smoothly. “It isn’t going to change my mind. I’m going out. I can’t pine away for ever.”

Jared looked at his roommates. Their responses were very clear on their faces. Hillarie’s said ‘good.’ Lexi’s said ‘whatever.’ Sophia’s said ‘why not?’

:::

Jensen buried himself in his books and continued to be the top of his class.

It was late one night when Chris came into the apartment with another bottle of whiskey. He set it down on the table in front of Jensen.

Jensen just looked at the green bottle while Chris went to go get glasses.

Chris poured two glasses and gave one to Jensen.

“Jared is dating again,” Chris said after they had each drank a glass.

Jensen ground his teeth, the muscles in his jaw jumping. He grabbed the bottle without another word.

“Well, he has been dating for awhile. Now he’s got a boyfriend,” Chris said slowly.

Jensen closed his eyes.

They got really, really drunk. Jensen told Chris the things that he could never just let go, mostly things he would never say sober.

“When I smile for the cameras, the public ones, I smile for him,” Jensen said, all maudlin.

“Oh, holy disgusting fuck,” Chris sighed, drinking more, hoping that this wouldn’t be one of the things he remembered tomorrow.

“He is so new, he just needs to grow and build,” Jensen insisted. “He was just too new when I met him.”

“Maybe you gave him an end point,” Chris offered. “Something to aim for.”

“Well, that is just fucking great,” Jensen muttered. “I made Jared a better person and he’s out there with someone else. I am so glad that he is out there happy, but I hate this so much. When does it stop hurting? What the hell does it get me”

Chris just poured them another drink. “Way to be petty.”

Jensen glared at him.

Chris wisely stayed silent.

After a bit Jensen spoke. “God I am happy in who he is becoming. I just wish I were closer. I wish I got to see it close up, I wish I get to keep him while he was becoming this awesome guy.”

Jensen sighed and flopped back. Chris just studied him.

“Word on the street is that he’s the mind of a generation,” Chris said, looking down at his glass. “His professors nearly shit themselves over him. People are looking, people are talking.”

Jensen smiled in spite of himself.

“I don’t see why you don’t just go and tell him you still have a thing for him,” Chris said.

Jensen just shook his head slowly. “He’s got a life. And a boyfriend now. I’m not the prince any more, I’m just the ex boyfriend.”

Chris glared at him. “What you are is an idiot.”

“True enough,” Jensen said, leaning back and silently smiling for Jared’s happiness.

They stayed silent for a moment.

“I read his articles like they’re love letters,” Jensen admitted.

Chris sighed and let out the secret that he knew that he shouldn’t share. “That is why I gave them to you. Because they are.”

“Maybe in the beginning,” Jensen said. “But now they’re just him.”

“Idiot,’ Chris said. “Chad said that if it weren’t for Jensen Ackles Jared wouldn’t have the notice that he did.”

“He’s famewhoring me?” Jensen asked, knowing that it wasn’t true.

Chris groaned, “Idiot. Everything he writes is in reaction to something he feels about you. He owes his academic acclaim partially to you.”

“Like you said,” Jensen offered morosely. “I just showed him an end point. I don’t get to go along for the ride.”

Chris didn’t have anything to say to that.

“I hope he’s happy,” Jensen said with a small smile.

“Jensen,” Chris said, staring at him.

“Chris,” Jensen said, head lolling to the side to look at Chris.

“Maybe you should take off the sweater his mother gave you,” Chris said pointedly.

Jensen looked down at the handmade red sweater, given just before their lives went to shit.

“Not a chance in hell,” Jensen informed him, rolling the hem between his fingers.

:::

Jensen had was in the last year of law school and then he could get off this campus. He was going to work with Josh if he won election. Just a little while longer and he wouldn’t have to worry anymore about seeing Jared.

Jensen was drinking coffee, lap top open writing an opinion paper when he got another unobstructed view of Jared.

The only thing that his brain could spit out was that Jared had grown up so pretty, so very pretty. He had been working out and he was wider and taller and he moved with so much calm. The little nineteen-year-old kid was now a twenty-one year old man.

Jared turned around and was walking towards him. Jensen froze, but Jared didn’t even see him. Instead Jared walked up to a man and kissed him.

Jensen watched, his entire body going numb.

He couldn’t look away from Jared kissing some man.

Jensen wanted Jared to be happy, but this was too much. This made him want to hit something and he was not a violent man. This made him think that he was an idiot for never seeking Jared out.

Jared sat down, smiled with full dimples at someone who was not Jensen and Jensen died a little inside.

:::

Jared rushed home, to the place that he shared with Hillarie, Alexis and Sophia. Sophia was on the couch crying. Jared crossed the room and sat down and held her.

“Chad called me,” Jared said. “He is over the moon and terrified.”

Sophia cried more. 

“He’s crazy about you,” Jared whispered.

“It doesn’t matter, not any more,” Sophia told him between sniffles. “It is too late. We’re almost done here, we’re almost done with Boston. Soon you leave the country and I pick a med school, hopefully on the other side of the country, and we’ll be done with them, with anything that has a memory of then.”

Jared swallowed trying to get rid of the ache in his throat; it felt like his heart was trying to escape.

“God, please let the real world be kinder,” Jared muttered. “I’m so tired of feeling like this.”

Sophia sniffled. “Why couldn’t they have been bigger douche bags? Why were they able to screw everyone else over but they were just nice enough to us to slam our hearts to pieces?”

“It will be better when we leave,” Jared said hollowly.

This was a lofty lie, but Jared didn’t know if it would ever hurt less to think about Jensen.

::

Jensen was walking through the library--he had mostly been ensconced in the law library but he needed to find a book in the main stacks and he found himself wandering around, feeling nostalgic, like Jared was right there.

He thought he was daydreaming at first when he turned in to a new row and nearly tripped over Jared.

He looked down, surprised that Jared could make himself so small.

Jared looked up sheepishly. He had a five o’clock shadow which was something that Jensen had never seen, the scruff made him look more mature. Jensen found him self wanting to poke Jared’s cheeks to see if those dimples would appear.

For a second Jensen noticed Jared’s hands tapping a book, Jensen wanted those hands on him with an intensity that wasn’t right.

Jensen sunk to his knees and Jared just watched him, eyes a little glassy from reading and too much dust.

“Hi,” Jensen said.

“Hi,” Jared answered.

Niether said anything, they were just openly staring, as the time went on it grew more awkward, but they couldn’t pull out of the moment.

“How are classes going?” Jensen asked after the silence had gone on way too long. It sounded ridiculous. 

Jared just watched him, continuing the awkward silence. Finally Jared shook his head and answered the question.

Jared smiled. “If I make it through my classes with some kind of grace and I’ll have survived a double major, and I’ll have survived Harvard.”

Jensen gave a genuine smile.

“Good job,” he said. He didn’t know if it was alright to say that he was well aware of Jared’s accomplishments. 

“And you?” Jared prodded. “Are you going to be a lawyer soon?”

Jensen was trying really hard not to touch Jared. The electricity between them was zinging and Jensen just answered the question rather than declare his undying love for Jared.

That was probably a bad move, but he needed to keep Jared right in front of him for as long as he could manage.

Jensen shrugged. “Maybe. I’m probably going to go work for my brother. There are some big things on the horizon and they want me to be part of it. I really want to be part of it”

Jared’s face fell a little, but he kept smiling.

Jensen knew he should leave. He needed to study, he had a paper to finish, but at this moment all that mattered were Jared Padalecki’s eyes. Two years had not been enough time to make the want stop. 

He opened his mouth and he knew that he was about to tell the greatest lie of his life.

“Maybe we can be friends,” Jensen said. “I’ve kind of missed you.”

Jared looked at him. He didn’t look skittish; he looked Jensen in the eyes. There was something wiser in his eyes, there was a knowingness.

Jared looked at him and saw through him.

“Jensen,” Jared said, and as always the name sounded so right on his lips. “You did the right thing back then. I was so overwhelmed--I was in a new place and you showed me this bright shiny world that I had only had fantasies about. I worshipped you. But you know that isn’t enough, it wouldn’t have been enough. It never would have been equal.”

Jensen nodded, taking in every ounce of Jared he could because he felt like this may be the last time he had the chance.

Jared looked down at his lips. “I can’t be friends with you Jensen.”

With that Jared leaned over and pressed his lips to Jensen’s. Jensen gave in at the touch. It was like coming home after so long, soft mouth pressing against his, and a tongue snaking out to lick his bottom lip. 

Jensen whimpered and then the touch was gone.

“I can’t be friends with you,” Jared whispered hoarsely against his mouth.

Jensen nodded and looked down. 

It only took seconds for Jared to pick up his books and leave.

:::

Jensen was laying on his couch later that night. He was staring at the ceiling. He was thinking about drinking, but he just wanted to feel this--he just wanted to feel his hopes crumbling. He had never felt as big of a failure, he was pretty sure that he had done the right thing, but it felt absolutely miserable.

He needed to feel how much it was over, and feel even more how much it never would be again. He needed to feel that this was over.

There was a knock at the door.

He got up slowly, not caring who was at the door. It would be awesome to bitch someone out.

He opened the door.

Six-feet-plus flew through the door; hands were in Jensen’s hair, lips scratched against his, and a body slammed him into a wall.

Jensen gave back everything that was being thrown against him. Jared had gotten hard, his entire body solid. The scruff that Jensen had been mesmerized by earlier scratched against his face, making it all the more real that Jared was actually there.

Jared pulled back and put space between them. They were both painting hard.

“I had a boyfriend,” Jared said, voice raw.

Jensen tried to be sorry at the past tense. He failed.

He just looked hungrily at Jared.

Jared began to pace. 

“See, here is the thing,” Jared said. “I meant it, you did the best thing in the world for me, back then. It took me awhile to realize it and it was fine, everything was fine, but you have to know that I would have stayed. I would have followed you into hell. I’m glad that I didn’t have to, and everything is fine now. But then you show up again, and I know that you didn’t mean to, but you just show up out of nowhere and I kiss you and I’m that fucked up kid all over again.”

Jensen slid to the floor, watching Jared pace like crazy. He really hoped that this would have a point soon because he was getting dizzy.

“I mean, I’ve got one semester and then I leave for the London School of Economics in June, and it’s a big deal. I am a big deal now, and there is so much going on in my life and I have a lot of work to do and I got home tonight and dumped my boyfriend because I take one look at you and it didn’t matter.”

Jared just looked at him and Jensen realized that he was supposed to say something. He swallowed and couldn’t figure out what. Jared cocked his head, prodding for an answer.

“Did you mean it?” Jared asked. “That thing when you were drunk all that time ago, when you said you liked my rough edges?”

“I like everything about you,” Jensen told him, trying to clear his throat. “Every little piece.”

Jared came and sat cross-legged on the floor in front of him.

They just looked at each other.

“How long?” Jensen finally asked.

“How long what?” Jared said.

“How long should I wait before I ask you out?” Jensen said. “There must be some kind of appropriate waiting period and I really don’t want to be a douche to your ex, but if you only have six months left here I want them, however I can have them, however you’ll let me.”

Jared just looked at him.

“You’ll take me on the perfect date,” Jared finally said. “Somewhere not too fancy, somewhere I’d like. I bet you have it picked out.”

Jensen met his eyes. “Skeeball. If I had the chance I’d take you for skeeball and pizza in New Hampshire.”

“How long have you been planning that?” Jared asked.

Jensen raised an eyebrow. “When did we break up?”

Jared closed his eyes and after a second opened them again. He nodded. “So after the perfect date, during which you make perfect self-deprecating conversation and we get to know each other all over again, and you learn the little things that have changed and are impressed at my confidence, and I’m impressed with how social you have become, because lord knows we haven’t been keeping tabs on each other, we’d…what would we do?”

Jensen spoke, so hesitant. “I just miss you; it won’t go away.”

Jensen just looked at him, thoughts that Jensen couldn’t read flying behind his eyes. Jensen would wait forever for the sentencing that would come from Jared’s lips.

“I can’t do it your way,” Jared said. “I can’t just wait passively by and just enter your world.”

Jensen’s heart fell a little.

“But you can meet me in mine,” Jared said hoarsely and gave him the rest of the information, then left as quickly as he’d come.

Jensen just sat there with his head against the wall, trying to figure out what had just happened.

::

Jensen fixed his hair again, knowing that it was fine. He stood before the door of the apartment that Jared told him to be at.

At that point there was nothing else to do but knock.

He raised his hand to knock and suddenly the door opened.

“I thought you were going to leave,” Jared said hurriedly, before regaining his composure.

“Jared,” Jensen said, his voice breaking a little.

Jared shook his head to rid it of the sound. “Come in, Jensen; dinner is just about ready.”

Jensen walked in and the apartment smelled like spice and warmth. It reminded him of Texas and dusty summer nights.

“Enchiladas?” Jensen asked, genuinely surprised.

Jared gave a flash of a smile. “My mom’s recipe.”

Jensen’s eyebrows went to his hairline. “You can cook?”

Jared shrugged. “I burn water.”

Jensen blinked. He didn’t really know what was going on. “Then how…?”

“My roommate is from Houston; she cooked for us,” Jared said. “I was a little surprised by her enthusiasm, and I’m a little worried that there might be rat poison in the food. She doesn’t like you very much; well, she’s very Republican and very Texan--she doesn’t like your dad.”

Jared just shrugged and turned to bring the food to the table. Jensen just watched appreciative for this little moment

“Your roommate is awesome to hate me and my family,” Jensen began.

“And everything that you stand for,” Jared added with a smile, this time a real one.

“And that too,” Jensen added. “Yet she makes us this awesome meal. What is up with that?”

Jared made a face. “She didn’t so much like the ex. She is awesome, but doesn’t like many people. It was the lesser of two evils. Even with what she knew about you--mostly from me, but some from the trashy magazines and Chad--she still digs you more than the ex.”

Jared seemed to be trying to prove a point without actually saying the words. Jensen had a feeling he knew where this is going.

“If you let him go,” Jensen said. “He must not have been that important; you deserve better.”

“I only have six months,” Jared said softly. “I wasn’t really looking for serious. I was just looking for something pretty for six months.”

“Jared,” Jensen began sadly.

Jared came back and began to speak, just to make sure that Jensen was clear. “I’m leaving in six months; you’re going to work for your brother. I don’t think that the ending is going to change. The thing is that it hasn’t gone away and I just don’t care anymore. But it is going to end in six months.”

Jared threw it out there, threw the truth between them. Jensen swallowed because that was all that Jared was offering. There was an ending date.

Jensen just looked at him, Jared was making the rules, part of him was bristling at the lack of power he had over his situation, the other part was thanking heaven that Jared would give him six months.

“What changed your mind?” Jensen finally asked, not ready to give yet, needing to know why this meal was cooked for him, to know where Jensen was coming from.

“Chad,” Jared admitted sheepishly.

Jensen snorted. “Really? Chad? Of all the insane, constantly crazy people. His last fuck up was epic. He married a girl he knocked up and this is what inspired you back to me?”

“Never saw that one coming; it was quite stunning” Jared admitted. “There is part of the back story that pretty much no one knows. It was about this girl he was he gaga over since freshman year, he had this whole grand plan to sow some wild oats and wait for senior year to make his move. He waited and one of his wild oats came back pregnant second semester junior year and she was the right type of person so he had to marry her.”

Jensen looked confused. “The girl he got pregnant wasn’t the one that he was gaga over?”

Jared shook his head. “No, no Kenzie is not the one he wanted to be with, but his parents approved of her. Sophia is a scholarship kid at BU and has more taste in the tip of her tongue than most people ever could hope to have, but she grew up in a trailer in North Carolina. His parent might have tolerated her because she was going to med school, but a pregnant girl of the right family triumphs her.”

“Ouch,” Jensen said cringing. “So this is about being the right kind of people.”

Jared was confused and he shook his head. “No, nothing like that. This has nothing to do with that kind of thing. Chad doesn’t think like that; he never cared that I didn’t know about tennis and golf and I had never set foot in a country club. Chad never saw me as anything but me.”

“I never did either,” Jensen interjected, feeling jealous and needing Jared to be sure.

Jared smiled softly. “I know.”

And Jensen was sure that he knew.

“So if it isn’t class, what changed your mind?” Jensen prodded.

Jared shrugged. “I thought for so long that it wasn’t right, that it wasn’t us, it was the timing. That maybe if we had the timing right we would be okay, but Chad waited for the perfect moment for his perfect girl. He lost his chance. Sophia and Chad--it hurts to be in a room with them, because yeah, Chad can be a douche, but he was wild about her and she thought he was like the one real thing in this world. He never lied to her and she never judged him. They threw it away. I don’t want to throw you away. It might be the wrong time again and maybe it isn’t ever going to be right, but I don’t want to miss it. I will take six months rather than never again.”

Jensen thought hard for a moment. 

“You don’t worry that it will just make it worse,” Jensen said, slowly.

“We can do it right, just take it slow. No sleepovers, just have a fling,” Jared told him. “I’m just tired of fighting it all the time.”

Jensen nodded, because that was more than he ever thought he would get again. He’d take what he could.

“I can do what you are asking,” Jensen told him. “For as long as you are offering.”

Jared smiled, dimples coming out at Jensen again.

:::

Jensen left at a perfectly respectable ten o’clock, they didn’t kiss, they didn’t touch, they just sat and talked.

When he got home he was confused and turned upside down. He had Jared back, if only for six months.

But he had Jared for six months.

Chris was waiting up when he got back, sitting in the dark and strumming his guitar.

“Hi, Mom,” Jensen said quietly as he set his keys on the coffee table.

“You’re back way too early,” Chris said sternly.

Jensen could see that he was gearing himself for the worst.

“He misses me,” Jensen told him. “But he’s got this awesome opportunity in London in six months, but he wants to be with me now, for those six months.”

Chris looked confused. “Why does it have to end? It’s, like, a five-hour flight to London.”

“I have Josh’s campaign, he’s got the London School of Economics,” Jensen said sadly. “We’re just going in different directions.”

Chris looked at him incredulously. “That is fucking insane. Most of the cousins have at least bicoastal relationships. Grandma and Grandpa had two years of only letters during the war before they were married. For the love of Christ we have Skype now.”

Jensen rolled his eyes. “I hardly think that our family is the prime example of how to do relationships. Most of those cousins have divorce and infidelity. Long distance relationships never work.”

“Well, maybe you should do the impractical thing for the two of you,” Chris said. “But you’re a fucking idiot with a defeatist attitude, so I’m going out.”

Jensen watched him walk down the hall towards to his room.

“Chris, I want to go out too,” Jensen said finally.

Chris popped his head out the door. “Randomly? To something that isn’t an ‘event’? You’ve only done that one time, I will not enable debauchery on the eve of your getting back together with Jared. You are not going to ruin the next six months before they happen.”

Jensen swallowed. “I’m not going to hook up. I’m not going to be debauched, but I need to go out there. Before I can dream for us, I have to figure out what I am dreaming about. I just want to go out and see the world.”

Chris snorted. “Harvard Square is hardly the world, but I appreciate the effort. Let me find my shoes.”

:::

 

Jensen’s alarm went off at what he considered an obscenely early hour. He met Jared along the Charles for their regular morning run. It was still winter and snow was on the ground, but they ran in silence for an hour, tearing up miles under their feet.

Afterward they sat in the same coffee shop they always went to, sweating and panting and talking about their plans for the day; the future was far too unknown and the past was far too open for reinvention so they just lived in today.

“Chad’s kid is teething; he says that he hasn’t slept in a week,” Jared sighed.

“So just like usual,” Jensen laughed.

“All those late night parties really set him up good for fatherhood,” Jared laughed. “I’m still amazed that he can do both school and raise the kid. Kenzie isn’t what you would call mother of the year.”

Jensen thought for a moment, his head tilted to the side.

“Out with it--you are thinking way too loud,” Jared said eyeing Jensen’s half-uneaten muffin.

Jensen pushed it over and Jared took a bite and then made a face. Jensen started laughing.

“You’re twenty four, you don’t need bran muffins,” Jared muttered, wiping his mouth.

“Not my fault you forgot that I love me some fiber,” Jensen laughed.

“Just speak your mind,” Jared said, crumbling the muffin.

“Do you want kids?” Jensen asked. “I mean one day.”

Jared stopped crushing the muffin and thought for a moment. 

“You’re going to make a joke about how you keep trying but you never get knocked up aren’t you?” Jensen mocked

Jared threw his head back and laughed. “Stop calling me on my shit. I haven’t thought about kids. I have thought about Harvard, I’ve thought about my professional future but I really don’t know about those personal things. Being gay growing up was like a secret, one that we didn’t talk about outside of my immediate family. It has taken a long time for me to feel that it isn’t a secret. It is almost like from the moment I knew I was gay I stopped hoping for happily ever after and just hoped that there was going to be an ever after. 

He looked up at Jensen and offered a shrug. “How about you, do you want children?

Jensen tilted his head. “I don’t know. I know that I like working with my brother; when it is the two of us together I think that we can take on the world. I want that life, but I don’t know who I am going to be when I am doing it.”

“I get that,” Jared said thoughtfully he looked at Jensen. “Like, that is one of the first things that makes sense to me about growing up. I have forgotten that I’m going to have to be a real person in this dream of mine, but I have no clue what that means.”

“I don’t know what to do with the fact that I could have a life in addition to a career,” Jensen agreed.

Jared laughed. “You’re growing into a very modern woman, Jensen Ackles. But if you don’t get your ass in gear and get home to shower you are just going to be the smelly kid in class.”

::

Josh was much beloved in his role and Jensen loved being with him, helping him, having direct say in the workings of the system.

Jensen knew he would probably never practice much law, it was more likely that he would be making the law. He would join his brother and the two of them would do this, they would really do this. Jensen felt like he was on fire when he was helping Josh, thrumming with excitement, but it was nothing like sitting with Jared on cold dreary mornings as the sun rose. That was when he felt human.

So Jared brought him dinner and they talked and studied together, their hands remained in appropriate places.

It was becoming increasingly maddening to Jensen. He understood restraint, but it was turning into a fucked-up denial.

“So, I’m good-looking right?” Jensen said looking in the mirror. 

Chris lay on his bed and attempted to smother himself with a pillow. 

“I feel like we never talk about my problems anymore,” Chris’ muffled voice came from behind the pillow.

“I kind of want to sleep with him,” Jensen sighed.

Chris sat up and threw the pillow across the room. He stared open-mouthed at Jensen, then he got up and danced on the bed.

Jensen gave him a look of death. Chris sat down and tried to make himself look meek.

“What is the problem?” Chris asked.

“I don’t know how to get the ball moving,” Jensen sighed. “I am beginning to think that my face was the only pick up line I had to get the ball rolling, past the friendship phase.”

Chris thought about it. “That explains so much.”

“Helpful,” Jensen said coming to lay down on the bed with him.

“How did you get him in the first place?” Chris pondered.

Jensen squinted. “We were drunk and I told him that he was pretty. It could have been very pretty.”

“You do suck at pick up lines,” Chris noted.

“Ahhhh,” Jensen groaned. “He was a freshman and drunk and I can replicate one of those, but I am pretty sure we don’t have access to a time machine so basically I’m never going to get him into bed again. And he makes these noises that I want to hear again-“

“Nope! That is way beyond the line,” Chris interrupted. “Too far. If I wanted to hear about those details I could jump in a time machine and find Chad pre-baby.”

“I just miss him and I have five months and ten days before he leaves and I want it all before I have nothing left,” Jensen continued. “So maybe I should I need to come up with something to you know….”

“Lure into your bed?” Chris finished.

Jensen glared. “Yeah, except a little less date rape-ish. I’m thinking that maybe I’ll take him to the cape again, you know our first date and then…”

“You are an over-planning melodramatic motherfucker,” Chris groaned. “Just stop thinking for once in your goddamned life. Stop thinking. This is so very simple and you’re making it into a D-day invasion strategy plan.”

Jensen sat on the bed. 

“Can you leave when he comes over tomorrow?” Jensen asked hopefully.

“What did I just say about planning?” Chris said, exasperatedly as he threw his arms up.

::

Jared knocked on his door two minutes early.

The door opened and Jensen stood there in nothing but a pair of low slung jeans.

Jared swallowed, then opened his mouth, then tried to swallow again. His eyes were focused on Jensen’s face, trying not to notice his hips and the pants that looked like they were going to fall right off.

Finally, Jared cleared his throat and managed to croak out, “You look like you aren’t ready to leave.”

Jensen sighed and rubbed the back of his neck.

“Well, I guess so,” Jensen said tiredly, turning away to go to his room to find a shirt. “Since my attempt to seduce you isn’t working, I’m going to plan two, wining and dining, and if that fails I’m going to go to tequila.”

Jared stared for a moment at Jensen’s back and thin waist and delightful ass, before finding an answer.

“That was your attempt to seduce me?” Jared asked. “Showing off your body? And now you’re taking me to some generic dinner, or worse yet, you’ll get me drunk and hope that it all works out?”

Jensen stopped but didn’t turn around.

“Did you just get naked and expect me to fall at your feet?” Jared asked gently.

Jensen turned and crossed his arms over his chest. “Those were all the moves that I have in my cache.”

Jared didn’t step forward.

“You get naked and I’m supposed to make the moves on you?” Jared asked. “You’re real pretty, that is for sure, but I’m really worth more than the ‘worship me’ approach.”

“Point,” Jensen said, stepping forward. “This is pretty egotistical isn’t it? Thinking that you’ll just fall at my feet.”

“You’ve got a nice face, but I know better,” Jared agreed.

Suddenly, Jensen felt a whole lot more naked than just not wearing clothes.

“We’re not some newbies,” Jared said softly. “This isn’t some initial seduction. We know what makes us tick. We know this.”

Jensen shook his head. “I don’t know how to get back there.”

“I like your voice,” Jared offered. 

Jensen took a tentative step forward. He looked very unsure, but he kept moving forward.

“Studying with you is hard,” Jensen said softly. “I mean, I notice your hands and the way that you lick your lips when you are concentrating on something. And when you shift in your chair, the way your thighs twitch and your feet do these little dances. You do that during sex too and I swear to god I can’t remember my own name or what I’m supposed to be doing.”

Jared stood there with a blank face.

“I mean, we only have a few months left together, and I want us to be together as much as possible during that time. I know that you don’t want to get too involved, I know that you have to leave and I’m not going to stand in your way, but you’re here, please let me in this much. Let us be great for a little bit.”

Jared swallowed.

“And we can be if you let me take off your clothes and enjoy what looks to be an even more amazing body than I remember.”

Jared sucked in a breath.

“So,” Jensen said cocking an eyebrow, but still looking like he was ready to bolt.

“Yeah,” Jared sighed. “That works for seduction.”

He crossed the room and dragged Jensen’s mouth to his. Jared tasted and nipped like he needed it. This was the first time that he had really kissed Jensen since he had stormed into his apartment two weeks ago.

It was still needy and wanting, but this time it wasn’t as tragic. This time it was a promise of more.

Jensen pulled away smiling. “More.”

“Whatever you want, anything,” Jared said panting.

Jensen lifted Jared’s shirt off, stopping to admire the sculpted muscles on his chest. He tested them out with touches and little tastes of his skin. Then he slid his chest against Jared’s chest, skin to skin.

“Skin,” Jensen murmured finding Jared’s lips.

Jared was on his back, naked, and hazily looking up at Jensen, who was tasting and mapping the new contours on Jared’s body, before he really had another thought.

Jared tugged him up. Jensen slid up his body.

“You are a quick learner,” Jared almost cooed. “You are really really good at this seduction thing.”

Jensen arched into him. “Yeah, gonna do it more. No more analyzing my technique--I’m going to fuck you now.”

Jared moaned. “Yes, please.”

::

“You could stay,” Jensen said lazily as he watched Jared try to find his pants by the light of the streetlights coming through the window.

Jared paused. “I thought you were asleep.”

“You’re just going to meet me in six hours for a run,” Jensen yawned. “Stay.”

Jared stood still.

Jensen finally sat up and looked at him.

“I can’t,” Jared said, sounding torn.

“Kind of feel like a hooker,” Jensen joked trying to lighten the mood.

“It’s just a six-month thing,” Jared said finally, sounding very unconvincing. “I just have to keep it simple.”

“Okay,” Jensen said quietly. “See you for running.”

Jared finished dressing and left quietly. 

He didn’t want it to hurt more. He knew that being around Jensen would bring him closer than not wanting to let go, but this was like being torn apart. It hurt to not have Jensen and now that they had slept together he was terrified that it was going to hurt more

He closed his eyes and leaned against the door. He’d been telling himself that he wasn’t going to fall in love with Jensen Ackles again.

It wasn’t working.

::

“This seems a little absurd,” Jared said, palming a wooden ball.

Jensen concentrated on the score sheet, writing his name next to Jared’s.

“You said your roommates had commented that spending all our time naked is unhealthy,” Jensen commented. 

Jared pouted. “It’s only been two weeks. I don’t know why you listen to them.”

“Because they’re girls,” Jensen said tiredly. “I never wanted to date one of those. Yet somehow, I am not dating one I’m dating three.”

Jared looked around the worn bowling alley. “Somehow, I don’t think that candlepin bowling in New Hampshire is what they had in mind.”

“It fits the criteria,” Jensen said standing and sliding in his bowling shoes. “It doesn’t involve sex, it is an hour away from anywhere that we can have sex.”

“You are going to make a great lawyer,” Jared said absentmindedly, weighing the ball in his hand. “And I’m impressed that you found a homoerotic loophole, what with all the balls and pins.”

“We drove, we talked about things, we didn’t have sex,” Jensen said. 

Jared made a face. “We ordered beer and we’re playing candlepin bowling.”

Jensen looked at him. “Stop palming the ball or else Gunther and Marmie up at the desk are going to kick us out for indecent behavior. That is, if the two bowling teams with kicky matching shirts don’t stone us to death.”

Jared sighed like this was the most unfair thing in the world.

“Okay, same rules as real bowling right?” he asked.

“Yeah,” Jensen said. “Except that the pins stay laying down.”

Jared made a face again. “That sounds like cheating.”

“Maybe, but it is the game,” Jensen said. “Also, I suck at this so we’re totally on even footing.”

Jared peered at their footwear. Size fourteen bowling shoes were like boats.

“Okay,” Jared said. “We play three rounds, whoever wins gets to choose position when we take our drive home.”

“Fuck it,” Jensen said. “Three rounds and then I’m getting us the first non-skanky hotel near this place.”

Jared dimpled. “Aww, baby, you say the sweetest things. Just for that I’m going to buy you another pitcher of this gorgeous cheap piss beer.”

“Hurry up and bowl,” Jensen said.

::

Jared brought Jensen coffee and supper in the library most nights., Jensen had classes and memorization and he was helping out with part of the legislation that his brother was writing. Unofficially he was pretty much already his brother’s right hand, helping to find positions and create policy.

But for some reason that was becoming less important.

Jared wasn’t used to how much Jared was always filling out his life. They had tried to be reserved, to treat this like it was just another fling, that it wasn’t important. It had allowed them to have the freedom to say what ever they wanted, to be honest.

They were open and honest as only the dying could be.

So Jensen found himself thinking in the library, and he just blurted the thought out, not thinking about how inappropriate it was.

“We’ve always had sex in a bed,” Jensen said out loud in the very very quiet library.

Jared’s head snapped up so quickly there was almost an audible crack. His eyes were comically wide.

“I never minded,” Jensen said thoughtfully. “I mean it was always very mind blowing, but I feel like we’ve always been holding back.”

Jensen looked over and cupped Jared’s face and ran his thumb over Jared’s bottom lip. It was bold and the closest to inappropriate that he could think of.

“I know that it is different, that you are different. It just feels like we should be acting different too,” Jensen told him.

So Jensen kissed him; it felt like when it was forbidden, when it was new. Jared was hesitant and then he started moving under Jensen mouth. He whimpered a little and the two of them melted into each other, fuzzing the edges of where one began and the other ended.

Jared’s eyes went wide when Jensen pulled away. “So you want us to have sex in the library?”

Jensen laughed for what felt like the first time in a very very long time, not since back when they were together, lazing in bed. Jared still seemed confused.

Jensen just had to kiss him again and this one was more intense. He pulled away, because for all intents and purposes he really didn’t want to have sex in the library.

He didn’t move that much, just nudged into Jared’s shoulder and spoke into his neck. “I still don’t know what I’m doing, but I think now I’m much more sure I’m okay with that.”

And Jared started laughing. “You’re giving me very confusing messages right now.”

“I just don’t want this to be confined,” Jensen finally admitted. “I don’t want to be the same because you are different and I’m different and I want our relationship to be different.”

Jared wriggled a little and was silent. Jensen was ready to pull away when Jared started talking. 

“God, I spent a year wanting to dirty you up and not knowing how to ask,” Jared said.

Jensen’s heart and every atom in his body stopped. 

That was by far and away the sexiest thing that he had ever heard.

He felt Jared’s hand reach down between Jensen’s legs. There was a bit of pressure and then Jensen felt his fly release.

He had absolutely no idea how to think, because Jared’s voice was hot and sexy in his ear, a barrage of dirty hot words that were melting his mind. This was a whole new Jared, touching and talking and turning Jensen on more than he had ever been turned on before.

“I had no idea how to ask,” Jared said slowly undoing Jensen’s fly. “Little nineteen year old me wanted so badly to make you lose it, to really really loose control. I wanted messy and crazy and needy and it always seemed reserved. Like having sex on your countertops would be beyond the pale.”

“Jared,” Jensen whispered, already half hard as Jared’s fingers brushed against him through his boxers.

“I followed your instructions, I never thought that you would ever need to learn anything from me,” Jared whispered, voice choking a little.

Jensen’s held fell back, exposing his neck as Jared’s hands wrapped around him.

A little noise came from Jensen, a mixture of fear and want.

“We’re safe,” Jared said. “Nobody is here. Lift your hips up.”

Jensen responded to his voice without thinking, lifting his hips and his jeans slid down. The chair was cold.

Jared’s hand was magic and his words washed over Jensen, hot and sexy. For the first time in his life, Jensen felt like he was out of control, he couldn’t stop this, didn’t want to. He just needed this, so badly

Jensen curled into Jared, feeling the end of his orgasm.

“I was just thinking about maybe having sex on the dining room table or walking around the house naked,” Jensen muttered.

“Your imagination has some mighty limitations,” Jared informed him.

“I was trying,” Jensen told him. “I didn’t know how to make it right.”

“Don’t be scared, but you just lowered your inhibitions,” Jared whispered. “Are you going to throw up? Do you need therapy now?”

Jensen laughed and pulled up his pants. He’d let go a little bit and the world hadn’t ended, his life hadn’t erupted in scandal. He had nearly had to rip himself open to admit something really simple, but he had and the world still existed.

Jensen felt something come alive inside of him that he had been trying to push down for a very long time.

He had no idea that he was ever going to let him go.

:::

Jared knocked on the door.

Chad answered in bare feet with a baby in his arms.

“Thanks for coming down,” Chad said. “I’m trying to write a paper and watch my kid. I don’t have time to get out today. What is going on?”

Jared came in and looked at the disheveled apartment, which was a Chad thing. “Where is Kenzie?”

Chad shrugged. “She had to do something at the gallery today. She’s pissed a lot lately.”

Chad looked bleak, but he was trying; but it looked as if the child in his arms was the reason, not the girl.

“How is Lucas?” Jared said with a smile.

“Your godson is fine,” Chad said tiredly. “He’s not sleeping much so it has been a little crazy.”

“Just like daddy,” Jared joked.

“Wanna tell me what is going on?” Chad said. “Do you want to tell me how you got totally wrapped up in Jensen again?”

“Psychic or talking to Chris?” Jared asked.

Chad looked uncomfortable. 

“So you ran into Sophia,” Jared sighed.

Chad hugged his son closer and shrugged. “It was on campus. We were just talking about you.”

“You’ve gotta stop,” Jared told him, looking at Lucas who was gnawing at Chad’s knuckle.

“Yeah, I ran into her and we were really quick to talk about you for a grand total of six minutes,” Chad ground out. “So, let’s do the same thing and not talk about Sophia and me and move directly to you.”

Jared filled him in.

“I am starting to think that maybe I could stay. I could stay here. I don’t need to go to the London School of Economics—Harvard has an excellent graduate program. I want to stay with him,” Jared finished sheepishly. “I’m still gaga over him. I feel like he is it.”

“You’ll do the right thing,” Chad said with a sigh, putting his sleeping boy into his cradle. “But that is the thing--the right thing isn’t always what you want to do, but sometimes you have to do it anyway.”

Jared’s heart sunk. “How do I know what the right thing is?.”

Chad didn’t look up. “You’ll know, and then you’ll tear your own heart out because you can’t have both.”

Jared looked at his friend who he had never really seen like this.

“Well,” Jared said hesitantly. “I’m really looking forward to it and I’m terrified of it. I have no idea which one means more.”

Chad motioned to him. Jared sighed and walked over.

“You seem to have taken something I’ve done in my messed up life and made it mean something,” Chad sighed, still looking down at his son. “Here is the thing: love is love. Right now I’d love to see what could happen with Sophia, but I don’t get to. The thing is that you’re taking your chances, which is great, but you have to realize that you aren’t dead.”

“Shit,” Jared swore. “You still think that maybe you’ll have another chance with her.”

“I don’t know,” Chad said. “But I’m not dead yet and you aren’t dying in six months. From what you just told me, you are having a time of it with Jensen and I’m thinking that maybe you need to lighten up and enjoy your fucking life for just a moment. Not all of us get that chance.”

:::

Jared was on the T heading home, thinking, when Jensen called.

“Hey, hot stuff,” Jensen said dryly.

Jared started laughing. “Yeah, let’s not do that.”

“Thought I would give it a try,” Jensen said flippantly.

“I appreciate it,” Jared told him. “But it sounds pretty freaking creepy.”

“So I was wondering how you felt about dinner tonight?” Jensen asked.

“No pet names, but I think that I’d love dinner,” Jared said. “Where do you want to take me?”

“Well,” Jensen said and Jared could tell he was gritting his teeth as he spoke. “There is this place--I’ve never been there before and I make you no promises, but hey, let’s live on the wild side.”

Jared held his tongue because teasing Jensen about going outside his comfort zone might now work out too well. Jared appreciated Jensen trying.

:::

The date was quite possibly the worst date in history. Jared spent most of the time trying not to laugh at Jensen’s attempts to cover his dismay.

Half way through a terrible dinner and a terrible service, Jensen looked like he was going to cry.

“What do you want to do right now?” Jared leaned forward. “Like what do you really want to do? Because honestly I will give you all the points for trying something new, now I just want to make you less miserable.”

Jensen swallowed. “I want to go home and take a shower and drink my whiskey. I want to forget tonight ever happened; it was a really bad idea. Except for you, of course.”

Jensen looked down at his meal and then he looked up at Jared, his eyes alight.

“You’re the only part of this that is any good,” Jensen said with a grin. “So do you want to come back to my place and have a shower and a drink?”

Jared laughed. “Thank god. You sure you won’t hate yourself for giving up though? We could soldier through this.”

“I don’t wanna,” Jensen said with a smile and a pout.

“You don’t have to change you know,” Jared said. “I like you the way you are, we could have gone to one of your approved by society places.”

“I want to change,” Jensen told him. “I want to see if I like something different. I’ve been so rigid; I’ve lived my life just accepting everything as it was without really thinking about it. And maybe it won’t always work out, like right now taking you to that little Italian restaurant in the North End seems like a much better idea. But at least I’ll have tried.”

Jared nodded and couldn’t keep the smile off of his face.

Jensen picked up his fork. “So I’ve tried this and it sucks so I’m thinking that I would like to go home and do something I know I will like.”

“We’ve never showered together before,” Jared said with a suggestive look. “So you’re still going to be doing something you aren’t sure that you will like.”

“Yeah,” Jensen said with a grin. “But I have a feeling that I’m really going to like that one.”

::

“This is so much better than dinner,” Jensen said burrowing into the bed.

Jared laughed again. “That was the worst dinner of my life.”

Jensen groaned. “You will eat anything, so that is pretty bad.”

“This should be throwing you off kilter,” Jared told him. “You are laughing at your self.”

Jensen sat up and looked at Jared. He tilted his head, his eyes focusing on Jared’s chest. Jared watched his thoughts race until finally he looked up.

“I trust you,” Jensen said simply. “You’re my safe place to figure it all out. I can laugh, because I am safe with you.”

Jared felt his eyes prickle.

“I love you, Jensen,” he said. 

He could hear his heart pounding in his ears, loud and fast.

Then he saw the absolutely shining look on Jensen’s face. He didn’t think that he had ever seen Jensen so happy.

Jensen grinned. “I love you, too.”

“I’m gonna stay,” Jared said, his voice a little rough, blinking against the prickles behind his eyes. “That okay.”

Jensen swallowed. “Yes, very yes.”

:::

Jensen woke up when the sun was filtering into the house. He looked over at Jared, sleeping away, smiled and slid out of the bed. 

He went to the kitchen and started making coffee, when Chris was coming in.

Chris squinted. “You’re naked.”

Jensen smiled. “I think I like this nakedness thing.”

He danced a little and Chris’s eyes bugged out of his head. Then Jensen sashayed to the fridge. 

Chris didn’t know what was going on.

“The only time I’ve ever felt this safe was on the Compound,” Jensen said quietly.

Chris stopped; neither of them looked at each other.

“He makes me feel like that,” Jensen said in barely a whisper. “I’m safe and loved. I feel entirely comfortable when he is in my life.”

Chris looked back.

“I can’t take you seriously with your white ass staring at me,” Chris said coming back to sit at their kitchen block. Jensen stood on the other side and reached for the coffee pot bottle.

He poured them both glasses.

“We had the most horrible date in the world tonight,” Jensen said. “It was the best night of my life. I feel alive.”

Chris looked down at his hands. Jensen sipped his drink, waiting, because he could tell Chris was trying to figure out what to say. Jensen could wait. He was getting good at this.

Chris looked up. “I know you like to deny it, but we are children of privilege. You have a million things at your disposal. For the first time in your life act like it.”

“I don’t know what that means,” Jensen said slowly.

“I can show you,” Chris said.

“Okay,” Jensen agreed.

:::

The calendar clicked towards the end of school, the end of their relationship. Some nights they had sex that was needy and desperate, clinging with the wanting it never to end. It was the action to the words that they couldn’t say.

Time didn’t slow, it barreled forward.

And they couldn’t talk about the inevitability.

“Seriously, how can you be a Republican wanting small government and yet still think it is okay for the government to be in people’s bedrooms and bodies?” Jensen was stating firmly. “The selection of what I….”

Jared watched Jensen square off against Alexis. It was hilarious. Hearing Jensen in his element, standing up against Alexis, fighting Texas politics was so refreshing. He was determined yet polite.

There was something incredibly sexy about it. Jared felt sad that he had missed this. In all of his fears about the public galas, he had missed moments like this, moments where Jensen was on his game. Jensen was good at this.

He smiled a little. They had one month left and Jared was sure that he was never going to get over Jensen. There was absolutely no one in the world like Jensen.

“Lexi,” Jared finally said. “Stop harassing Jensen. Jensen, Lexi believes in a woman’s right to choose and also in marriage as a private institution, she just believes in small government more. Can we all be friends?”

Lexi let out a sigh and put out her hand. Jensen shook her firmly.

Finally, Jensen relented and turned towards Jared. 

“Hey,” Jensen said.

“Hi,” Jared said. “What are you doing here?”

Jensen smiled and looked at the three women lounging in the living room.

“Can we have a minute alone?” Jensen said nervously.

“Okay,” Jared said, his heart beginning to pound.

They went into Jared’s room.

“So here is the thing,” Jensen said, pacing a little. He was picking things up and not looking at them before putting them down.

Jared nodded. Feeling the inevitable break up coming all over again.

“My grandfather has plans for me,” Jensen said finally.

Jared found it impossible to think anything but _fuckfuckfuckfuck_ over and over.

“He thinks that I could be the next great politician,” Jensen said softly. “He wants me to be great. I want it too, I want it so badly. I love working with my brother, I love everything about it.”

Jared nodded, biting his lip, trying not to tear up.

Jensen turned to him, walked over to him and cupped his face.

“My grandfather wants me to be president,” Jensen shook his head. “I’ve never said that out loud before. I want it, I know what it will mean and what it will require and I want it. I think I would be really really good at it.”

Jared nodded, knowing he was crying. “I know, you will be great.”

“The thing is, I have so many years to work on it,” Jensen said softly. “I want to work with my brother, I want to work on a career in public office, but the thing is I have time for that. So, if this doesn’t work out I can always come home.”

Jared looked up sharply to meet his eyes, because this didn’t sound like a break up, this didn’t sound like good-bye.

“I got a job,” Jensen said softly. “My grandfather got me a job at the consulate in London.”

Jared couldn’t hear anything but whirring in his ears. Then he shook his head, trying to dislodge the hope that was entering into his head.

Jensen rushed on. “You look like you are about to run away, but before you do that I want to tell you the whole scope of what I’m thinking, so you’ll know just how far you have to run. I want to move in with you. I want to get a place together. You’ll go to school and I’ll go to work and we’ll come home and cook. Well, we’ll learn to cook. I want to see what happens. I want to be with you.”

Jared couldn’t move.

“I’m putting it all out there, Jared,” Jensen said softly. “I need you to say something.”

Jared swallowed and Jensen just waited, because there was nothing more important than hearing Jared’s response.

“What if I can’t do it,” Jared said in a small voice, if Jensen was going to put everything out there he could too. “I don’t have the pedigree or the social skills to be with you. What if you’re going to be a governor, or a senator, or even, god, what if you’re the president and I’m not able to be the flashy thing by your side?”

“What if you can? If you want the social skills my grandmother will be more than happy to teach you, but none of that matters. You’re brilliant and you’re a good person. I have a feeling that I’m going to be your arm candy.” Jensen said. Jensen pulled back and they just looked at each other. Jensen’s eyes were sure and Jared had never felt more possibility in his life.

“Try with me?” Jensen asked. “We don’t have to know the future, we don’t have to plan for that, and we can take it as it comes.”

Jared looked terrified, but he nodded then he swallowed.

“My family has a place,” Jensen said. “But we can find a place of our own.”

Jared shook his head. “No, that will give me a heart attack. Let’s live in your family’s place. I’m sure it will be nicer than anything I can afford. Hey--dating up has its advantages.”

“If you are joking does this mean it is okay?” Jensen said.

“It is pretty big,” Jared said, color returning to his face. “I was expecting six months to keep me warm for the rest of my life. I was expecting a lot of things and all of those ended with you doing what your family needed or wanted or expected. This kind of feels like you are choosing me.”

Jensen shrugged. “I choose you, just so it is perfectly clear.”

They looked at each other and they both were grinning.

Jared smiled sweetly. “I will allow you to come with me to London, I feel like blue blood Ackles arm candy will totally help my career.”

“Asshole,” Jensen informed him.

Jared came to life a little bit and started bouncing. “Can I tell the girls, please?”

“I’m just the arm candy,” Jensen said lightly. “Do as you wish.”

Jared threw open the door. “Girls. I have news.”

His voice was booming; the three girls all looked up from where they were sprawled around the living room.

Suddenly the door was thrown open and Chad came striding through. He marched straight up to Sophia.

“I’m in love with you. You are beautiful and smart and witty and wonderfully sarcastic,” Chad announced.

Sophia’s straw fell from her mouth and she swallowed the soda in her mouth.

“Kenzie left me two weeks ago,” Chad said. “And right now I’m totally in a terrible place to start dating you. But if I don’t ask you out now you will find someone else by the time I do ask you out and we’ll be back in the wacky romantic comedy sitcom that we were stuck in before. I know you probably don’t really want to be a parent, and I’m not asking you to be, but I have a kid and I’d like you to date me anyway.”

Sophia just looked at him with wide eyes.

“Fuck it,” Chad said and pulled her to him, kissing her. She responded back threading her fingers through his hair.

Jensen had come out and was standing in front of Jared. Jared came and put his chin on Jensen’s shoulder.

“He kind of stole our thunder,” Jared muttered while Chad and Sophia made out like their lives depended on it.

“Do you wish we had an amazing story like that?” Jensen whispered.

“Dude,” Jared whispered into his ear. “I like our story just as it is.”

Jensen smiled.

::

It was hard for Jared to sit still, it just seemed so big, so gigantic, that Jensen was choosing him. He woke up every morning with Jensen by his side, usually curled up in his arms, but he still couldn’t believe that this was real.

He floated through his days, coming home to Jensen, working with Jensen, thinking of a future with Jensen.

It was heady.

Jared was hunched over his computer in the living room. Jensen was chewing on a twizzler reading over a brief that his brother was setting up.

“Is he mad?” Jared asked, needing to know.

“Josh?” Jensen asked. “He’s going to miss me, because let’s face it there is just no replacing me, but he’s got people for everyday issues, and phones and e-mails will let me help him when he’s in a bind.”

Jared squinted. “Your world seems a lot bigger than mine.”

Jensen came over and offered him a Twizzler. “Have you been to Europe?”

Jared looked at him and shrugged. “Think less of me now?”

Jensen reached over and typed on his computer. “I want to take you here.”

“Do the Alps have a bunny slope? I can’t ski,” Jared admitted. “Texas doesn’t have the greatest slopes and I’ve only been out once in Boston. One of the fluffy exes took me to Vermont, but that was embarrassing.”

“How about here?” Jensen said, typing in something new.

“Definitely Munich,” Jared said leaning in.

“We’ll go for the Fasching,” Jensen said with a smile. “It’s their Marti Gras; its fun.”

Jared looked down and traced the zero button.

“We’re planning something,” Jared said in a small voice. 

Jensen shrugged. “We have two years. I figure we can see can go see castles in Poland, go back to your homeland and see if they make proper Jared-sized places in this world.”

Jared looked at the screen.

“We’re making long term plans,” Jared said, a little amazed.

“Yes we are,” Jensen told him. “I mean, I want to be with you in those places. I could be overcompensating and trying to impressing, but I think you should sit back and enjoy it and time will tell my true motives.”

“So I’m stuck with you?” Jared said.

“For the time being,” Jensen nodded seriously.

“How unfortunate for me,” Jared sighed, and then pulling Jensen in for a kiss.

:::

“So, here is the thing,” Jensen said as he, Chris, Chad and the girls sat out for dinner one night.

Six sets of eyes looked over at him and Jensen nearly lost his nerve.

“Are you proposing?” Alexis blurted out.

For a second those eyes all went to her.

“What?” Jensen sputtered. “No.”

Jared made a face. “Not that I’m not glad you aren’t proposing right now, but you don’t have to make it sound that terrible.”

Jensen looked down at his napkin, trying to re-center.

“So, we’re graduating in two weeks and your family is coming up,” Jensen said flinching.

“And you want him to cancel it?” Hiliarie asked, wrinkling her brow.

“No,” Jensen said. “Will everybody stop interrupting?”

Nobody said anything and it took Jensen a second to figure out that they were all waiting on him.

“Grandma Ackles wants your family to come to the compound for the family graduation party. It is just me again this year and she wants you and yours to come,” Jensen said very quickly.

Everybody looked at each other, confused and excited. Chris nearly spit out his beer.

“Grandma invited his family to family weekend,” he exclaimed.

Jensen wished again that he had done this in private.

Jared didn’t notice Chris’ reaction. He just smiled at Jensen, grinned unbearably.

“This is awesome,” he grinned.

Chris just stared, because Jared had no idea what was going on and Chris couldn’t believe what was going on.

“Jensen,” Chris said.

Jensen just shook his head to Chris and turned towards Jared. “So do you want to? Do you want to come to the compound for graduation? You can bring Meggie and Jeff and your parents. Grandma said you can even bring a friend.”

Chris was turning colors. 

Jared smiled. “I would love that. I’m sure my parents would really enjoy it.”

 

::

Jensen graduated law school and Jared graduated with his undergraduate degree. There was a thrill in the early summer air when the families all descended on the compound.

“So this is where you wander off to?” Chad asked, coming up behind Jared. Jared was sitting on the beach looking out to the dark ocean.

“It’s been a bit of an overwhelming weekend,” Jared said dryly. 

He was leaving for England in a week with Jensen

“I forget sometimes how loaded he is,” Chad agreed. “I mean, my family has a couple of houses, but usually our basketball and tennis courts don’t have an ocean view.”

Jared put his face into his hands. “I forgot about that.”

“You’re a far better man than me,” Chad said, brow furrowing in confusion.

“It has been said,” Jared quipped dryly.

“So tell me what is wrong?” Chad asked.

“I feel like there is something Jensen isn’t telling me,” Jared sighed. 

Chad’s eyebrow’s hit his hairline. “That boy is trying on a whole new life and you think that he knows the truth well enough to lie?”

“His grandfather is not happy about him leaving ‘THE PLAN’,” Jared sighed.

Chad scrunched up his nose. “The man who bought both you and Jensen top of the line bikes because one of his friends in the House of Lords said that all the young people bike through London instead of drive?”

“Something is wrong. This is wrong-- I shouldn’t even be here. I’m not that guy,” Jared said confidently. “This isn’t my kind of life.”

Chad started laughing.

Jared got up angrily.

“No man,” Chad said. “I didn’t realize that you were serious. You are freaking out and I have no idea why. You do know where you and Jensen went last weekend.”

“We went to Georgetown,” Jared said, confusion crossing his forehead.

“Technically that is true,” Chad said with a sigh. “But you’re a little bit of a liar. You also consulted with a senator and sat at a meeting with the Ways and Means Committee. You are a big fucking deal, probably more of a big deal on the national stage than he is at this point. Without even trying you are the perfect companion.”

Jared blinked.

“Dear fucking lord,” Chad muttered. “Don’t you get it? Nobody is invited here except close personal friends. Heads of state, royalty, business associates, nobody comes here without the express invitation from one of the family members and that is rarely offered. You were invited to bring your family by the one person who rarely invites anyone, the mighty matriarch.”

Jared made a face so Chad spoke more slowly. “Jensen doesn’t like me, you do, your parents are here, are you slowly getting the picture?”

Jared stared at him blankly.

“Everyone is acting weird towards you, you are center of the festivities, your family is here because effectively you are betrothed. Everyone is looking at you because you’re going to be with the golden son, the one that they think is going to take everything. They see you as a player,” Chad explained as if everyone should know.

Jared gaped at him, unable to speak.

Chad was unconcerned, “Now come back to the party before one of those Ackles cousins steals my girl. Those dudes are skeevy.”

Jared followed him dumbly, trying to process.

They walked down the corridor, the sound of Jensen speaking roughly came floating down the hallway.

“Mother, for the last time,” Jensen said, twanging a bit. “He’s perfect. He doesn’t need the family induction. He knows how to do it. He doesn’t need you to tell him how to deal with the Brits or how to make the best impression. He’s perfect. Stop meddling in my love life.”

The sigh was from his mother. “We’re here, Jensen. If you ever need us.”

Jared was frozen.

“Idiot,” Chad said, pulling him away from the voices. “Never let them know you were overhearing it.”

Chad pulled Jared down the hallway and outside to the bonfire by the water.

Chris came up and pulled Jared down. “Kiddo, where did you get yourself to?”

“He was hiding,” Chad offered, reaching for another beer. “The cousins scare him.”

Chris laughed and Jared shot him a look of death.

“Traitor,” Jared said, relieved that Chad wasn’t going to tell Chris what really was going on.

“There you are,” Jensen said coming to rest at Jared’s side. Jensen smiled up softly. 

One of Jensen’s cousins came up and offered them some drinks. Jared took one and she smiled at him. He felt guilty that he still couldn’t remember all of their names.

“So when are you announcing?” she asked. “Were all super excited about it.”

“Katie,” Jensen sighed. He looked over at Jared who looked skittish.

Jensen smiled at him and managed to move him into chairs that were away from everyone.

“You okay?” Jensen asked.

Jared nodded. “Yeah, give me a minute, not everyday that I am told that I’m pre-engaged.”

Jensen rubbed the back of his neck. “It isn’t like that, not totally. We have to see if we can live together and spend some major time together. I promise nobody is going to seriously talk about actual marriage for a while. I promise that we will have time away from the prying eyes to make sure that we want to do it, but yeah, that is where this is heading if everything goes right.”

“Holy shit,” Jared swore.

“I know it is a lot,” Jensen said softly. “I should have told you, but I didn’t know how.”

Jared swallowed. He waited for the fear and the panic and the overwhelming sense of fear.

It didn’t come. The only thing that flowed over him was relief.

He was going to get to be with Jensen and there were no limits to it.

“I didn’t think that I could do the things that are in your future,” Jared said softly. “Then Chad pointed out that I already am, without even trying directly for it I am doing this. I am, even without you, a part of this world. After time, after a bit, yeah if it all goes right, I think that I’m okay with it.”

Jensen blinked. 

Jared smiled. “Can we not talk about this for awhile? I’m fine with it now in vague turns, but the specific ideas, I’m going to need some time for those.”

Jensen grinned like every single dream that he ever had was coming true. It made Jared’s heart speed up.

They just stood there looking at each other.

“Holy shit,” Jared finally swore. “This is like really real.”

Jensen nodded. “We’re really going to do this.”

“Bring on life,” Jared whispered.

::

 

EPILOGUE

Jensen looked in the mirror and straightened his tie.

Today was the first day of the most important job he would ever have.

He was fifty-two.

Large hands turned him around. Big hazel eyes and dimples that had gotten deeper by the years looked back at him, still shining with youth and vitality.

Deft fingers easily tied his tie; it was a well-practiced move, from years of tradition.

Jensen just watched and let himself embrace the tradition.

“How did I get here?” Jensen asked.

“Wrong question,” Jared replied lightly.

“How did we get here?” Jensen asked.

Jared finished his tie and grinned, pride in his husband shining so strong out of his eyes.

“Baby,” Jared said, “This is really the only place we could have ended up.”

Jensen snorted. “That is the biggest fib ever. We did this by a whole ton of work and shit load of luck.”

Jared clucked. “I don’t think that you should use that word any more, people will talk.”

“I don’t think you should call me ‘baby’ anymore,” Jensen replied. “People will talk.”

“Aww, baby,” Jared said soft leaning in to say the words into Jensen’s sensitive neck. “I thought you liked it when I called you baby.”

Jensen started swatting at him. “Behave. Do not rumple.”

Jared bit his lip. “Yes, Mr. President.”

The title was two hours premature, but Jensen felt Jared’s glow seep into him. He also tried not to let the incredibly sexy way his husband said it, a slight purr, get to him.

It really was a losing battle.

He was the luckiest goddamned man alive, and it had nothing to do with being hours away from becoming the leader of the free world.

He had been born in the public eye, he had been raised without want, he had been given an extraordinary man.

He opened his eyes and Jared was still there.

“We got here because you’re fucking amazing,” Jared said. “You always have been and always will be.”


End file.
